ASSEMBLY FOR THE AWARD OF
THE “MAROONS” 2005.
That’s right! LIVE ! On tape from Caesar’s Palace, Perthshire (Scotland), we welcome you to the first Maroons of the 21st century.
It’s been three weeks now, so I feel justified in presiding over these, the very first “Maroons” for blogging. My task has not been easy but my decision is final.
The categories in order, are as follows: Newcomer, Spleen, Artistic use of the word cunt, Fun, Angst, Neurosis, Natural, Quality, Spinning, Wit, Intelligence, Best Blog.
OK ! lets get the show on the road with Best Newcomer: He started YESTERDAY so he’s new, but he’s topical, he’s funny, he’s my older brother (only kidding) it’s Vaporise Barney!
Let’s stay in that dear green land of the leprechaun and shillelagh for our next category: Spleen. Yep you’ve guessed it ! Emerald Bile. And, ladies and gentlemen wouldn’t Noreen and Maud make one helluva sandwich?
Thoughtful applause and nodding.
Next up, it’s Artistic Use of the Word “Cunt”: This was a Tie between Ball Bag and El Barbudo, so here to open the envelope, it’s Garry Glitter! D’ya wanna be in my gang? Mmm can we think about it? The winner is EL BARBUDO !
Applause but louder, aggressive.
We’ll keep the ball rolling with Fun: laughter is the best medicine ladies and gents. The winner is Jokemail. If you come near me with that custard pie, I will fucking go for you, I mean it ! Ha Ha just my little joke.
Cheers and light fighting.
It’s across the Pond now via satellite for our next recipient, Angst: Can you hear me Annie? Well nod or say some fucking thing, only kidding! Well done American Bile. Angst with a human face and a sexy wink at the postman.
Uproar! Mayhem in the aisles, chairs uprooted.
Staying in Uncle Sam’s back yard, it’s Neurosis: now this youngster is as neurotic as a shaved monkey but she likes Kurt Vonegurt so she’s OOOOKAAY! It’s LindyK.
Hurrahs but calming down a bit. Two or three head butts.
The next category is Natural: wysiwyg and the winner is Kim Ayres. What can one say? He’s a philosopher for Christ’s sake. Just WYSIWYG.
Polite applause, the odd punch still being thrown.
Next, it’s back to America, didn’t THEY do well? This category is Quality: Now for a quality experience you can’t beat SafeTinspector he‘s a Godamn renaissance man. Any fool can be funny, but he’s funny and clever and articulate and musical and a photographer (is there no end to his talents?). Check out the music on his site(s). That just came out in a sentence and he’s worth more than that. Trust me.
Back to The Emerald Isle now, for an old feller that musta kissed the Blarney Stone a thousand times! The winner for Best Spinner is Twenty Major. Who doubted it? The Complete Artist bar none.
Applause starting up again but restrained, reluctant to get involved.
Next it’s Wit, he’s our own, our very own, Harry Hutton!
Stars come and go, but Hutton, well, he just keeps going, doesn’t he? Who can forget the “300kg of white mice“? Or the Night he asked Ball Bag, “Who are you?” to which BB replied with the immortal “Fuck Off.”
If Mr O. Wilde was alive today, he would look like a stammering prick next to him. And he’s got a girlfriend too which means he’s not a gayer.
General clapping for the sake of it.
The penultimate is Intelligence and that means my friend, fucking drum roll, the inimitable, the cleverest, the subtlest, and ballsiest, the fucking sharpest, the wipe your ass with all the rest ‘cos your better, Mr HA HA HA or Bogol or Arlington Hynes. (He’s dropped the Copley).
I just don’t have the words man. I just don’t have the words.
Some clapping and cheers but general un-assuredness.
But, and this is fucking it! LOUD Drum rolls now,
The winner of BEST BLOG 2005 is
THE JAPING APE by MR GORILLA BANANAS.
For consistent, top quality, top notch, considered, entertaining, welcoming, literate, blogging, you win!
Well Done Mr G Bananas.!
Polite applause followed by coats being put on, cigarettes being lit (inside the auditorium !) it’s been an emotional night for everyone.
Dr A H K Maroon.
P S All the sites are linked opposite on the right. God bless you all.