Today, Mater and I enjoyed the West End sunshine and pushed out through the Byres Road throng for lunch in Ashton Lane.. She was on particularly good form and never once brought up her disappointment that Peter Mandelson was back in cabinet for the third time and I have yet to be called. (such high expectations). We had lunch in a little Italian bistro and there were no cracks in the crockery and the ladies’ lavatory was clean and well stocked with paper towels and soap. Result!
We were in her crowd. That is to say 50 000 Glasgow West Enders of all ages; involved at the university, or in art or the media or just plain flamboyant. Ask Eryl, she knows what I’m talking about.
We had a bottle and a half of some Italian wine which was red I believe. She put it away like the old days and we stumbled off over the cobbles for a fag and a coffee and a sticky bun. In the next hour, we watched another multitude, there were no clones, none of them were ugly and Viviane Westwood would have passed unremarked.
I am so old.
Hey! I noticed young men are back into Bono boots! The ones you tuck your trousers into, with straps and buckles and stuff. Dead 1980’s.When the fucking Hell did that happen?

CSI Miami vs CSI Glasgow.

Consider the scene. A man is engrossed in a private passion when from 36000 feet a small meteor of blue ice, not the size of a football, crashes through his roof killing him instantly.

Miami

Within the hour, CSI Miami arrive, they take samples, temperatures, they shine a laser up through the holes in the ceilings to verify trajectories. In another hour they have the flight path of the plane and the name of the stewardess who pressed the button.

Glasgow.

Three days later, CSI Glasgow kick in the door.
They are appalled by the crockery in the sink and the piles of bed linen awaiting laundry uplift. They step round the body, sneering at the red tartan pyjamas. The blue ice has melted over a pleasing Turkish rug.

“What a stink!”
“Jesus look at this, he’s been so drunk he never made it to the bog”
“Dirty…drunken…bastard”
“Aye.”
“Christ look at that”
“What?”
“There’s a hole in the roof and the lazy fucker hasn’t even put a bit of felt over it.”
“What an arsehole.”
“Drink is a terrible thing”
“You said it mate”
“Right, call it in, I’ll see if there’s any whisky left in the house.”

As they return to their flashing car, they comment on the state of Scottish alcoholism.

“Did you see how his dick was stuck in that syrup tin?”
“ Yeah. Now, that WAS fucking weird.”

That historic meeting.

AHK: Clarissa, darling! What can I get you?
CLdeM P: A taxi?
AHK: I tried to warn you. Brandy, that’s good for shock.
CLdeM P: I thought you were being modest. Jesus! Make it a Bushmills and coke.
AHK : Shall I supersize that?
CLdeM P : What do you think?
AHK : It’s just shock, it will wear off.
CLdeMP : I fucking hope not. Oh God, those emails!
AHK : You said they were erotic
CLdeM P : Yes, but at the time, I imagined they were sent by…
AHK : Who? Cary fucking Grant?
CLdeM P : Well, not Norman fucking Wisdom.
AHK : Cheers.
CLdeM P : Sante.
AHK : Another?
CLdeM P : Keep them coming and what the hell is that?
AHK : What is what?
CLdeM P : I take it you have nothing in your pocket?
AHK : I’m sorry, it has a mind of its own just now.
CLdeM P : Well can’t you drape a coat over your lap: it’s distracting?
AHK : It has been a problem; there isn’t a stone wall left unmolested in Scotland.
CLdeM P : You’d stand a better chance with a stone wall.
AHK : I’ve got gravel rash for Christ’s sake.
CLdeMP : Are you quite sure your parents weren’t related?
AHK : God, I need another too.
CLdeM P : In that case, get to the bar!
AHK : I can’t stand up now. It happened when you walked in.
CLdeM P : Carry your coat in front of you.
AHK :.Carry my coat? I could fucking hang it on it.
CLdeM P : Jesus, call him over then.
AHK : I could hang an anvil off it.
CLdeM P : Yeah, yeah, just call him over.
AHK : So you’ll stay for another?
CLDdeM P : God! Why not?

Cont. page 94

COMMENT FUCKING MODERATION!

Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? That little bastard Glark must have chewed through some wires in his demented frenzy and to think of all the virtual steaks I fed him. Fucking ingrate! I will get this sorted. I promise. While we’re waiting, whatya think of the stark modernity? I like it, me. It’s a whiteout on the top of Ben Macdui in the spring when even your sat nav compass is useless. I love whiteouts up there. You have to stand still and wait them out. It can be ten or thirty minutes. They are incredibly disorienting and you feel totally free. I was hit in the forehead by a snow bunting during one. It must have been doing 30 mph when BLAM straight into the Tefal brow of Yours Truly. It was a spiritual experience for both of us. I survived right enough, the poor bunting didn’t so it was probably more life changing for her. I buried her in the snow 4500 feet up in the Scottish highlands. Great days.

Glark's Gone!

He heard his master's voice and chewed through his chain.
I tried to stop him but the little fucker bit me and ate the whole sidebar.

I am confused and upset, so while we're waiting for site repairs please stay tuned for
Charlie and the Chocolate Starfish.

A small post about anal bleaching in post feminist Britain.

You will be delighted to know that this is the last from the jukebox for a while
Hurrah!
Back to Debbie.
Well, she's a looker ain't she? I like the squinty shapes her mouth makes as she sings. Like a Gibbs SR toothpaste advert.
And such a snappy little dresser!

May I be indulged? Not long now, just a little longer.
We're coiling up the ropes and polishin' the gimbals, raking throught the signals chest for the blue peter.
Wind's changin' see. Turnin' warm, turnin' offshore, tide's stopped too.
It'll turn soon now as well.

Think we'll have some more Janis.
It has been a very Joplinesque week. And I have been singing White rabbit for days, esp the intro (one of the best ever) and I need to clear my palate.


Play LOUD!

I am, you may be surprised to hear, a brave man. I take no credit; it’s a trick!
I learned how to do it on an Outward Bound course. Any fear, you just switch it off. I have to qualify that by saying I am also shot through with a craven cowardice like veins of gold in quartz. That’s right! It’s the cowardice that keeps us all alive.
Anyway, I have made the drinks run to Tesco these last five nights and bought the exact same items every time. Three litres of perry, two litres of squeezed orange juice, a bottle of Basics vodka and some fairy liquid just for the look of the thing. I have made sure my shirt is tucked in and my shoes are polished. (cowardice, see?). This is all to do with Kim Ayres and me saying to him that I wanted to work the checkouts. I’m sure of it.
Anyway, the other night there was a young student type on the till and bugger me if he didn’t engage me in conversation the little weasel. lets call him "Overly familiar checkout guy"
(OFCG)

So, while he was packing:

OFCG: alright?
Me: yeah...
OFCG: been a hard day, eh?
Me: yeah, something like that..
OFCG: hard week more like!

I thought; this is just what I need. They are either squashing all your stuff down the end of the conveyor belt or doing behavioural science 101 on you. So, I LOOKED at him. I looked into his very soul and he shut the fuck up.

So next night I bought the exact same stuff and I’m walking down looking for an empty till and I see him again. My first thought was “fuck” then, “Christ, I am a customer! I’ll go to any till I please.”
So he says hi and starts to put the stuff through. He stopped at the Basics vodka. Something had clicked. He looked up at me and it was all I could do not to wink at him.
That’s right my friend, the psycho’s back for his fix.
He never bothered to ask for a loyalty card.

Am I a domestic god? I have spent the best of the day cleaning the Perth foot on the ground. It was far from improving. Fear and loathing in the heart of darkness more like. I am concerned that a future burglar might disapprove of my obvious corner cutting and leave me a note calling me a slovenly bastard.
When do you know when it’s time to change the bed? When your very best Egyptian cotton sheets look like the Turin fucking Shroud, that’s when.

That’s not the whole reason right enough. No. I was on the drinks run to Tesco and overheard four boys talking at the door. One of them made a remark to his friend about a girl he knew and I was suddenly so angry. So very angry indeed I will never repeat it so don’t ask. I looked at the four of them and I knew I’d get a beating and I still wanted to jump up and down on his vile head. I’d be in fucking Broadmoor unable to explain myself.
Ho hum, a nice Jaffa cake and milky tea will cheer me up.
Nothing beats the smell of lavender pledge. Know what it smells like? Smells like victory. One day my war will be over.

Derange! That's what they said. However, here it is because I love her so very much. The beautiful white song, sung by beautififul white kids, for beatiful white kids, in a beautiful white summer. white rabbit.

Nine years later, we, the punks of this world, spat in their eye.
Hooray!

nb play it loud!

I had a terrible terrible crush on Grace Slick, I finally shook it off three weeks ago last Wednesday. She's a bloody good singer.

But, we must not leave the Jukebox just yet.
Ah yes London in the eighties.
Wasn’t it more sunny then?

I was twenty before I took any notice of Janis Joplin. There was a film documenting her life on tour for a year. I watched it in a smelly little cinema in Cambridge high on hash. Fifteen minutes in, I was a convert. Watching her matured me and I was devastated to discover she was already dead.
This trip down the Maroon tow path must be a pain in the friggin’ haggis for you all.
I know SheBah will be reaching for her Gucci sick bag and we may not be here tomorrow (according to Ayres), so get it while you can.

Update: the bastard thing won’t embed so if you want to see it (and by Christ, you better) you must follow this link.
late update! It does embed.


These songs will finish soon I promise, there is nothing worse than a drunken host hogging the Dansette at the party.

Everyone got a drink?

LET’S SNOG!

Love this song, and after all my mathematical profundity, what a welcome change!

You will all be familiar with looking at a misshapen vase only to suddenly see the silhouettes of your handsome father and beautiful mother. Imagine then a remarkable young schoolboy surfing through mathematics like a bowl of frosties and now under the tutelage of a famous Cambridge don returned to his old school talent spotting. The young lad is struggling with something, it’s instinctive, and the old don tells him to relax, not to think, not to try and grasp the concept, just keep going, and see what you will see. Well, none of you know the language of mathematics, no offence, it’s not your fault, but that afternoon, something went clunk and the boy stared at the old don who wasn’t that old at all now that he noticed and the don smiled back, because he knew that the boy had just seen a landscape that he never knew existed. More, he knew how privileged the boy felt to have been led to such a precious gift.

Well the boy grew up and pissed some of his life away having a high old time of it, but that profound feeling of understanding and privilege returned to him today 10 minutes before he met his brand new chairman. So he smiled and his eyes watered a bit and he girded his loins and met his new chairman. He looked the fucker in the eye and led his team. He ran over his allotted time by an hour and at the end the new chairman thought the sun shone out his ass and shook his hand and told him to come and see him in Toulouse and Dick was furious because he said fuck all to him and he was back in his car on the M90 by 8pm and here I am, sitting here, wondering not for the first time, if there might be a God after all. If there is, She is smiling on me. I have been so lucky recently.

And so, back to work keeping Britain's balance of payments in the red. The prospect fills me with such dread. I'd rather put my hand in a bag of ferrets. Aren't Monday nights awful? I once confessed to Ayres that I'd like to be a checkout girl at Sainsburys and just sit there all day pushing stuff past that laser thing. I said it would be great. After a while I would start making comments to the customers about all the rubbish they were buying. He was right, he said I'd hate it and I should buck my ideas up.
A Maroon was never beat! I shall set my lantern eyes and gimlet jaw to the wind and all shall break against me like hurricane Gustav (shit name for a storm) but I shall remain. Gigantic and magnificent.
Something like that. I'm off to work, wish me luck.

I'm just a little blue today.

Here she is.

Ok, that was good ol' Blondie.
This one's going out to a 'very good friend of mine, Mr Conan Drumm, I think he'll preciate it.
and also anyone else who's tryin' to get a handle on the ol' doctor, (yrs truly) here.

LETS ROCK!

Please stay tooned for Ella Fitzgerald,. (the best singer ever.)

"No, I don't believe in luck..."

This week I have been mainly listening to Blondie and that little teaser who says she kissed a girl and liked it- the taste of her cherry chapstick. Well I ask you.

I had forgotten just how beautiful Debbie Harry was, so here she is.

Well it was either going to be her or Rick Wakeman.

Doctor Maroon’s Hangover Cures Number 1

(There IS no number 2. Trust me, I’m a fucking Doctor)

Take 500 mg Paracetamol
Take 500mg ibuprofen
Take 500 mg aspirin BP
Take 1 Beecham’s powder.

Wash down with copious shambuie.
An Auld Alliance of Scotch and French, d’ye see?
Liqueur and champagne
You mix it 4:1 champagne to liqueur.
Put the champagne in the glass first you dolts!

(That carpet was cleaned last month.)

Swallow!

Just had a call from Mater. I was expecting it; they have a quality much prized by secret intelligence services around the world. They can pick up the slightest nuance, careless word, pause, anything and then focus on it with forensic ruthlessness using every lever in the toolbox to get IT out of you. It’s intrusive telepathy like in that film The Village of the Damned.

Hi mum,

Achilles, it’s your mother

Yeah I know, it tells me before I answer

How is everyone?

Fine thanks

How are you? How was your day? Still busy?

Well not so much…

Still having to work away overnight?

It’s tailing off now, we…

And what about within yourself?

What?

How are you, within yourself?

Is everything all right mum?

I am perfectly fine, it’s you I’m worried about.

Why are you worried about me?

How did you get on last Saturday at the dockyard?

It was fucking awful

That, is a terrible way to speak to your mother. Anyone could be listening.

Everyone’s out.

Someone could be listening at the exchange.

Really? I don't think so.

Hmmm

What. What is it?

Something’s different.

I’ve got to go mum there’s someone at the door.

Please keep in touch.

Right-mum-bye.

That was close.

Shite for shore eyes.

What’s the old clown thinking about? Not only has he produced a bewk, but also called it “Being a Scot” Pass the sickbag Alice. Here’s a tip for you Shir Shean, STOP.
‘kin Hell. I mean, getting your nutty wife to ghost write your autobiography; why, that would be like me writing a tedious pisspoor tale about the True Cross being found in Scotland (Pilate’s birthplace) in a weak formulaic attempt to jump on the Da Vinci Code bandwagon…
Oh.

Hi everyone, it’s time for MIDWEEK ROUNDUP! Foot Eater is in Sood Effrika (mid winter there) and is moaning that Cape to Rio is rotgut. Well of course the FIRST one is, but after that there is no finer raw white spirit currently on the market in Southern Africa.. I like mine with ice and bitter lemon, -ZESTY! Talking of which, our zesty southern belle Savannah, and Kitchen Bitch Eryl apparently visit our good friend Mr Gorilla Bananas, (Best Blog yeah, yeah, get on with it) but both remain silent. See that? Mr Bananas? I’ve still got it mate. Me an’ Sav go way back, back to the days of Dick Headley, and quite often we’ll burn the midnight oil with a tincture or two, And Eryl said she would spit in the Vice Chancellor's crème brulee if it came to it, so, you maybe get the awards chum, but I get the burds. Talking of which, Kim Ayres is moving in on Pat when we had an agreement, - he took an oath the bastard, - that he wouldn’t. The future of the Blogosphere is at stake! Funny how life in the unreal world of Russia and Georgia (not that one Sugar) is mirroring life as we know it here. Back off man, I’m a scientist. You’ve been warned. Conan Drumm, Chipping Norton MUST be a corruption of the French. Which brings me back to Foot Eater, and his solipstic claim that I was never further south than Kirkintilloch; Johannesburg mate! That’s the furthest south I’ve been. Any further south and you’re in Shackleton territory, which brings us back to… Nearly forgot. Harry Hutton (leader of our Order) posted the perfect post on the death of Solzhenitsyn. It was exactly what I wanted to say but was too crap to manage . It begins; "Champion bore Alexander Solzhenitsyn has died." That's the spirit.

Down the hatch! Now!

Live, on videotape, from the stardust room of the British Legion, Chipping Norton…

It’s the MAROONS!

Before we open the envelope,

[and…clear! Two minutes everybody!].]

Some of you may have noticed recently that a new blogger has turned up. Mrs Pincer or Pounder or something, I can’t remember, I’ve hardly exchanged a word with her. Still, nonetheless, it would be inhospitable not to welcome new blood to the group, so to this end I’m off to Edinburgh to have a tryst.

What about Mrs Maroon? I hear you call. That is a problem I’ll admit, but I had a brainwave - I’m not going to tell her! She would only get the idea into her head that I was somehow dissatisfied and had decided to “play away” and this sort of thought can be disturbing to a woman so I thought it better to make up some tale about overnight project meetings, hey! It could happen, the globalised 24/7 world we live in…
I’m much more worried about Fatmammycat, my Ether Soul Mate and focus of all my hopes; but she seems determined to fall in love and live happily ever after, so I’ll just have to sit out the next 25 years (I have the patience of the Sphinx, well who wouldn’t with such a prize on offer?)
So that’s what I’m going to do.
In the meantime, because SafeT and Binty have turned up again, I am going to do the Maroons and for a change, there is going to be only one winner and we all know who it is. It’s like the football league, we know at the start of the season who’s going to be there at the end. MY DECISION IS FINAL.
I had planned to increase the tension by some means but couldn’t think of anything.
What I will say is this. The women bloggers are much, much better writers than the men. None of them can drive a car to save their lives but they all write better than any of us; Harry Hutton included [Leader of our Order]
I’ve wondered about this, whether blogging is a medium that particularly suits women for some reason, whatever it is, their quality of writing is ahead of ours by a country mile. Having said that, you get a bloody good laugh with the men, it’s a testosterone thing, the godam wimmin wouldn’t understand, right…

[back in 5, 4, 3, 2…]

Welcome back everyone. The winner of the Maroon 2008 for getting everything right and being the best of bloggers, like, all the time, is neither man nor woman but Mr Gorilla Bananas!

Tarra!

Mr Gorilla Bananas, couldn’t be with us tonight so his good friend Mynah Bird will accept the award on his behalf…

Quick, turn it over, I think Morse is starting on channel 10.

Ivan Denisovich. Yeah, you and me both, mate.

O.K.

Here's the skinny for all you budding ranchers out there.

You take the top one and breed it with the bottom one, then let them loose on the wide prairee.

The secret of blogging!
This is my theory and it belongs to me (I own it).

When you’re at work you’re obsessing almost non stop about crap. You can’t turn it off. You have weird meetings about nothing and instead of tackling whatever it is we’re all there for, you’re wondering:
“Is my position strengthened or weakened by this? What did Dick mean by that last remark? Is he having a laugh? He won’t be laughing when I give him a fat lip for his trouble. Hmmm, Geraldine’s looking well these days, has she lost weight? SHE dressed in a hurry this morning hmmm… What was that? Maroon pay attention! Did I say that out loud?...”

It’s endless noise and then when you get into this world, the blogging world, all the noise stops, and it’s a bit silly; it’s a dinner party without having to feed anyone or polish the table.

That’s the secret.

We’re off to Perth Show today. It is a bit “county” but the show jumping at the end can be fun as can the guest of honour, who is always some American rancher called Hiram Pipesucker the Third…“who has come all this way, to buy a bull.”
Where else is he gonna get one? Wal Mart?

Haloscan and blogger are shit.

I'm tryin to have a conbersation here and the comments are all over the shop.
the level of servive offered by British isps is bloody awfyul

Bon appétit Mrs Pouncer.

(haloscan won't let me reply.)

I want to tell you a story; a creepy, true story.

Two weeks ago last Monday, so that would have been Monday 14th inst., I found a fairy ring in Dundee.

A fairy ring is the superstitious name given to rings made in grass by toadstools and mushrooms. The fungi expand out like a ripple in a pond getting bigger over time until there is a ring of them. The one I found was about 10 feet across and most impressive. So in the Jungian tradition* of science meets superstition, I stood in the middle of it, turned three times round widdershins and made three wishes out loud. The whole event was witnessed by a sneering colleague who said “For fuck’s sake” (just shows you the calibre of people I have to work with.) One of the wishes was to meet another pig of 1959 vintage. This is all true. I had come independently to the conclusion that ‘59 for whatever reason, was a vintage year for pigs, then lo and behold, Mrs Pouncer drops out the ether like Mary Bloody Poppins.
I had my suspicions, for it was none other than Dick who was the witness and for a decent bloke, he can be an asshole of epic proportions. The other two wishes were lesser personal ones which would probably have come true anyway which they did. For other’s privacy, I won’t be specific, but they were trivial wishes, like I wish it would rain on Wednesday, that sort of thing.

* Jung as you will know got into all sorts of bother investigating this sort of stuff by carrying out proper statistical analysis of his results. Coincidence such as this appears to be, is only significant because we look at it from the result backwards.

i.e. I would not be creeped out if nothing had happened.
Wrong numbers only happen when someone answers the phone; do you see? But the episode WAS weird especially the shared experiences, which looked suspicious until one realises that everyone our age would have similar tales to tell.

From ‘Once Upon a Time in America’:

“Life, is stranger than shit!”

Finally; a bit of recognition for us blokes in the Harris jackets with the pens in the top pocket. Until yesterday, I thought my life would pass in a blur of cigarettes and whisky, my value to society known only to the cognoscenti, just like oh, what’s her name?-Princess Margaret! But Mr Gorilla Bananas has set the record straight, and you can like it or lump it but the truth is out there and that’s all that matters.

One tiny fly in the ointment.
Mr Bananas’ correspondents would rather not have sex with engineers.

Who can blame them: I’m repulsed by the idea too, but if I were a lady, I’d rather do it with an engineer than a gynaecologist say, or worse, a lawyer!

Oh – my - God, think on that: a big, hairy-arsed lawyer a-huffing and a-puffing all over you with his chalk stripe trousers neatly folded over the chair.
And if we, the doers and shapers, wear tank tops in the summer, so what?
They wear blue shirts with white collars! I mean, who the hell are they kidding? That is like so Eighties.
That’s the trouble with us engineers, we see things with such clarity, things that ordinary people (no offence) just can’t.

Dr.Seymour Bush

Mark Cavendish

- Great Human

Englishman wins FOUR stages?...never thought I’d see the day…English cycling back on the map…old Scotsman can die happy…jumpers for goalposts…Saturday afternoons…watching the wrestling on the box with Dad …Mum making custard…15-a-side in the park…grumpy old Parkie having his sandwiches…mustn’t go into his hut mind…not after little Bobby…marvellous…

For Ronnie.



1976 was a hot summer and overnight we changed into punks.
On the Monday we sang along with the Brutus advert and on the Tuesday we had slashed our T Shirts with razor blades, made our hair spikey with brylcreme and bought drainpipe jeans from an old fashioned man's shop in the Gallowgate. It was that fast and spontanious.
We played the Ramones especially "Havana Affair" non stop. We were the only people we knew, wearing all the mad gear. We learned the chords (3) and rehearsed in the scout hut. The girls loved us.
By 1977 everyone was on the bandwagon. By 1981 we were young fogeys, complete with tweed jackets and brogues and our fathers' cravats for christsakes!

For Eryl.



For everyone else, sing, "my Brutus jeans on"
for "my old blue jeans on"

There is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repenteth etc.
Stack overflow at line 0 and so on...

SafeTinspector’s back!

That’s right! The Michigan familyman, polymath, musician, erstwhile time traveller and anonymous 28 inches is still kicking.

Actually I knew he was. I was over at his bit a couple of months ago. I hesitated to leave a calling card as it seemed to me he had moved on and would not relish a visit from his past. You know how it is. You start a family, put on a few pounds, join a golf club, start voting Republican, then your hippy pals from college turn up looking for drugs and asking whatever happened to that girl with the big boobs.
Nay, I couldna do it to him Captain, ah jist couldna.

However, he broke cover first, so hell mend him.

SafeT! WAZZUP!?

Happy Treasion Day to all our American friends.

I've seen this picture in New York and it's almost like a mural, and who was the first person in the boat I noticed? That's right, Old Hamish Maroon (enlarge photo to spot him) and I thought, might have known there'd be a bloody Scotchman in it somewhere stirring the shit. I had a snigger to myself but the reverential people around me at the time misinterpreted and told me to move on while I still had my teeth (lousey limey bastard).

Picture courtesy of http://www.failblog.org (again)

Now that Savannah (xoxxoox) has got over her irrational fear of flying. Yikes! And why not? (our picture today shows the massive airbags now fitted to modern aircraft) I suppose it’s time to think of holidays.
Because of the credit crunch, we shall not be taking the villa in Umbria this year but rather a caravan in Port Seton. You can have just as much fun and the carbon footprint is negligible.

Picture courtesy of the wonderful http://www.failblog.org

I’ve heard some weird noises during flights on MD80s, 737 200s and the odd Fokker, all of which I am assured are “normal”. I’ve never witnessed blue ice, trailing smoke or flames, unexpected engine shutdowns, flap failures, or covers coming off in flight like our picture shows.

However I was on a Loganair flight from Glasgow once.

Once.

We had been pushed back and had taxied for about 50 yards when on go the brakes quite hard. Ah, this is first officer Sandy McNab or whatever his name was, we’ve got a slight technical problem that will delay us for a few minutes, we won’t need to return to the terminal etc etc. Almost immediately a Loganair van pulls up and another man pushing one of those sets of steps on wheels, you see them in B&Q, arrives and climbs up onto the wing. We’re all watching him. The guy in the van is handing him up tools. Off come some engine covers, and then more bits from inside the engine then he starts laying into something with a hammer!
Now, being in the trade as it were, I was unconcerned at the bits he took off. I was watching him, engine covers, some heat shields, but when he started in with the hammer, I couldn’t think what he might be hitting or why.
I looked at my fellow passengers but being British they were studiously ignoring everything by now even though you could feel the hammer blows through your seat. He suddenly stopped and put everything back and ran round to the pilot’s window and gave him the thumbs up. A second later though, he waved both his hands in the unofficial non JAR approved hand signal for “for fuck’s sake stop!”. He ran to the wing, and pulled away the steps, ran back and gave the pilot the DOUBLE thumbs up this time, so that was alright.
I felt like captain Kirk in that programme where the hairy beasts are crawling about the plane pulling bits off and he’s the only one to see them.

Think on that, on your way to Malaga this summer.

Dickey does Dallas.


Scene 1: morning, interior: Sunny apartment overlooking the river. Spacious, minimalist furnishings, objets d’art, paintings etc..

Enter Persephone Melons, lady of the house, dressed in lipstick, nightie, earrings and thong.

Persephone: Gosh darn it, I wish that plumber would arrive.

Footsteps off, doorbell, (ding dong type). Persephone opens door to

Karl Diggler: Hi, I’m the plumber…

CUT!

Yes, can I just stop you there luv?...Karl sweetie, I’m not getting any sorrow from you old darling…remember your ex-girlfriend’s just been devoured by piranhas, so a bit more…Ronnie sweetheart be a treasure and put a filter over that light, there’s a good boy, her thong’s strobing like I shouldn’t wonder…Makeup!...can you do something with Miss Melons’ face dearie?...we’re getting a massive flare off her forehead this side of the lens and it’s ruining the…thanks luvvie,…just do her boobs while you’re at it…right everyone!...from “Gosh darn it” Persephone…lots of anxiety this time darling…and…

ACTION!

We're sorry for the slight delay to Cape To Rio, this is due entirely to Kim Ayres and Gorilla Bananas, normal service will be resumed forthwith.

Until then here's a short programme about clay and so on.

Cue the John Williams guitar muzak...

You may be interested to know that I have a sore thumb. It’s buggered up my piano playing something chronic but the point is it looks exactly as it always has, a fine thumb, a noble thumb, a thumb Michelangelo would have been proud of, and the mirror image of it’s neighbour on my other hand. Totally inconspicuous in fact. It ‘s been sore since the Friday night bar-B-Q when I was passed a baked potato in tin foil which was a bit hot, so I wrapped a napkin round it to make it more comfortable to hold.




That's the ol' ball and chain if you're wondering. It was a hot day.

Goodness gracious me but the Irish politicians are an awful handless lot.
Had they really wanted to win the vote, they should have paid more attention to the wording they were to put on the ballot slip. Muddy the waters a bit. For Example;

Question: Do you want to keep the same constitution?

Vote YES for the constitution.

Vote NO to change.

Then ipso facto they could have argued they'd won no matter what !

I was following a Walkers shortbread lorry up the motorway tonight and I had some pretty weird thoughts about it. They just came into my head from nowhere. You know that one where Homer Simpson finds a crashed sugar truck and steals all the sugar? I couldn’t get the idea out my mind of how great it would be if the shortbread lorry overturned and everyone on the motorway went mad and dived into the pile of shortbread. It could have been a total shortbread-arama! Everyone would gorge themselves sick on shortbread in pagan nakedness then revert to Norman Normal when the police showed up to spoil the fun and take our particulars.
Either that part of the motorway (M90) runs over some strong ley lines or I am suffering cravings because of my pregnancy. I’m going with the ley line theory; I can’t be pregnant, (no one will sleep with me).

Dateline Wednesday 4 June 2008 20 59 BST

Man: Deep breath, I’ve had a glass of cider and a weak doobie (on a school night!) and I’ve decided to

Woman: What are you doing?

Man: Writing my blog

Woman: Oh Jesus, here we go – you you you ! Nobody wants to hear your self obsessed drivel, wise up ferchrisssakes!

Man: Just background material, my friends may want to know what I’ve

Woman: Friends? Friends? They’re names on a screen, penpals

Man: to you perhaps. To me however, they are as valuable, perhaps more so, than my associates in the corporeal world

Woman: therein lies your problem

Man: Look give me some peace. I don’t bother you when you’re doing the laundry

Woman: we agreed you would not bring the internet back into this house

Man: we had a set-to, hardly an agreement, besides “this house” as you put it needs to be connected

Woman: yeah, to the fucking social work department

Man: Anyway, I met Ayres in real life

Woman: you said he was odd

Man: I never!

Woman: You said he looked at you funny

Man: He did as well. He definitely doesn’t believe I’m a doctor

Woman: I don’t believe you’re a fucking doctor any more either

Man: Right, anyway, thanks for the pep talk darling, I’ll mention you to all my friends around the world

Woman: Fuck!

It's truly mental.
No matter what I do. or how hard I try, I cannot cannot cannot get to the fucking library (sorry Pat) on a Tuesday Thursday or a good godamn Saturday to get on the net.
I don't know what to do. I really, really, don't.

It's like a conspiracy, or is that my solipsism talking?
Only Kim can tell.

As you will have surmised by now, I am a Knight of Malta. I’m not meant to talk about it but we Maroons have been Templars in unbroken line from Robert de Marron, who as you know was cousin to Kenneth Mac Alpine on the distaff side and nephew sinestra to Guy of Warwick. Currently, I’m waiting for Our Holy Father in Rome to call me up and begin the Counter Reformation. My task will be to post copies of the Catholic Herald through The Queen’s letterbox. And this brings me to my next point: that of our prime minister encouraging everyone to wear their uniforms in public again.

You will be too young to remember, but time was when any city street would be full of nurses in capes and commissionaires in vestibules all spick and span and ready for inspection Sah! A time, not long ago, when everyone wore a uniform. I like uniforms me, but, as a Soldier of Christ, I’m not sure multi ethnic Britain would be ready for me trotting round Asda in my livery. It’s not the chain mail or the broadsword, surely a common enough sight in our supermarkets these days, no, it’s The Cross.

The traditional big red cross on a white sur-coat is bad enough, but we go one better. Our big red cross is eight pointed and is repeated on the shoulder of the cloak. I should have mentioned; there’s a big fancy cloak as well, with hood proper, well it’s more of a cowl than a hood truth be told, and golden spurs of course (I’m a knight), and pointy chain mail sock things and a pointy shield, again with red cross motif. I admit it’s a little bit “corporate branding” that cross, but I’d bet no-one would count my items in the express line. No, I’m not worried about buying twenty Rothmans in my uniform, but what about going for a pint afterwards? For a kick off, chain-mail plays merry hell with your body hair and you daren’t cross your legs, (there’s no give) and any trip to the lavatory is out of the question so it’d be half pints only and nips of whisky to make up for it and so you’d be pissed in no time, looking for heretics to burn. No: uniforms and cross cultural binge drinking would never work.
Gordon Brown is such an idiot!

remedial filler



http://www.itv.com/News/Articles/Most-advanced-warship-tested-at-sea-658563374.html

For 34 days!


Twentyfive found guilty!

Hardy har haar.


Your comments to the previous bit are all terribly kind and generous, except Ayres' which I find subtly disapproving and mean spirited.

He's the phone stalker by the way.

Perv.

Dateline Thursday 1st May.

I still got nothing.

Nada.


Except, I 've picked up a phone stalker.

You heard me. Started on my birthday, (18th April) and continued last night. How mental is that?

That and the death recently announced of Hoffmann the researcher (bio chemistry) at La Roche who stumbled on LSD while fiddling with ergot. (sp?) The rye fungus.

It's gonna take ages to reply to all your kind comments.


Oh and this.

buggeration! Can't find the post.

Found it! December 2005 ! didn't realise it was so far back.

" Anyway because of my superb globetrotting remedial work, it’s now safe again to fly off to your favourite Christmas destinations.I’m positive it is. Yes. No I’m quite sure. Yes I’m certain. Avoid older MD80s"

and then THIS happens!

http://www.aviation.com/travel/080327-ap-delta-american-cancel-flights.html

stick with me folks. I'll keep you right.