Straightforward Saucy Seaside Postcards
Nos. 1 & 2 in a converging infinite series.
No. 1 “Judging The Vegetables.”
Let the postcard show a village fete and let the illustrator show the judging of the garden vegetables upon a table.
And to avoid any misunderstanding, let there be a sign upon the tent canvas saying: “Village Fete. ~ Vegetable Competition“.
And let the judge in this case be a cleric: A Church of England vicar or curate or somesuch.
And let him be in dog collar and black weskit and have a rosette upon his lapel with the word “JUDGE” upon it.
And let him be shewn standing close to the table such that a cucumber, recumbent upon the table, is in absentminded contact with the fly buttons of his trousers.
For good measure, let the vicar have a beatific smirk upon his face.
Now, let there also be a lovely young woman in a red polka dot, low-cut, summer frock barely restraining her “rack”. And let the illustrator shew her resting her clammy little hand upon the aforementioned cucumber. And let her full red lips be parted in a saucy smile of overpowering fecundity.
She should speak thus: “Ooh Vicar, is it as big as yours?”
And let the cleric reply: “That’s not a cucumber Miss ~ I took some camouflage paint from the cadets and disguised my penis to look like a cucumber and that is what you are stroking now.”
And, if there be space still upon the card, let all reply in unison: “Stop the fete! The vicar is a filthy pervert!”
No.2 At The Greengrocer.
Let the card show an array of ripe melons in a greengrocer’s shop and to avoid confusion let there be a sign upon the wall saying : “Nudist Camp Shop” or some such.
And let there be a beautiful naked woman holding two ripe melons prior to making their purchase.
Now let there also be a shrunken, naked man leering at her, and let there be a pile of soup tins hiding his member from view and he should spake thus:
“Gosh, Darling! What a lovely pair you have!”
Now let the beautiful woman reply: “Yes, I intend to make melon boats with ginger at dinner tonight.”
And let the leering man reply to that: “No Poppet, I meant your breasts. They are fabulous. They would look so good with my dick between them!”
Now let the greengrocer shout: “Get out of my shop you filthy pervert!”
Perhaps you can think of more ideas for straightforward saucy seaside postcards?