That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Straightforward Saucy Seaside Postcards

Nos. 1 & 2 in a converging infinite series.

No. 1 “Judging The Vegetables.”

Let the postcard show a village fete and let the illustrator show the judging of the garden vegetables upon a table.
And to avoid any misunderstanding, let there be a sign upon the tent canvas saying: “Village Fete. ~ Vegetable Competition“.
And let the judge in this case be a cleric: A Church of England vicar or curate or somesuch.
And let him be in dog collar and black weskit and have a rosette upon his lapel with the word “JUDGE” upon it.
And let him be shewn standing close to the table such that a cucumber, recumbent upon the table, is in absentminded contact with the fly buttons of his trousers.
For good measure, let the vicar have a beatific smirk upon his face.

Now, let there also be a lovely young woman in a red polka dot, low-cut, summer frock barely restraining her “rack”. And let the illustrator shew her resting her clammy little hand upon the aforementioned cucumber. And let her full red lips be parted in a saucy smile of overpowering fecundity.

She should speak thus: “Ooh Vicar, is it as big as yours?”

And let the cleric reply: “That’s not a cucumber Miss ~ I took some camouflage paint from the cadets and disguised my penis to look like a cucumber and that is what you are stroking now.”

And, if there be space still upon the card, let all reply in unison: “Stop the fete! The vicar is a filthy pervert!”

No.2 At The Greengrocer.

Let the card show an array of ripe melons in a greengrocer’s shop and to avoid confusion let there be a sign upon the wall saying : “Nudist Camp Shop” or some such.
And let there be a beautiful naked woman holding two ripe melons prior to making their purchase.
Now let there also be a shrunken, naked man leering at her, and let there be a pile of soup tins hiding his member from view and he should spake thus:

“Gosh, Darling! What a lovely pair you have!”

Now let the beautiful woman reply: “Yes, I intend to make melon boats with ginger at dinner tonight.”

And let the leering man reply to that: “No Poppet, I meant your breasts. They are fabulous. They would look so good with my dick between them!”

Now let the greengrocer shout: “Get out of my shop you filthy pervert!”

Perhaps you can think of more ideas for straightforward saucy seaside postcards?


Mrs Pouncer said...

Maroon, you aunt. If you ever bothered to read any of my opulent posts, you would see that I have just been to the seaside. So, I can confidently offer the following:
Postcard One
Let the postcard show an ice skater: a young woman of peculiar pulchritude. She wears a short, befrilled tutu and has enormous tits. She sweeps across the ice, one leg extended behind en arabesque. Her friend, rinkside, waves a pair of panties.

Friend: Sonia!
Sonia: I left them off on purpose. The international judging panel now have a clear view of my gash.
Omnes: Clear the Snowdrome! The competitor is a filthy pervert!

Postcard Two
Let the postcard show a broken-down bus. Let the bonnet be held open by a sweating Reg Varney type. Let his driver's cap be pushed to the back of his head. A buxom clippie is shown holding a toolbag.

Clippie: Do you need a screwdriver?
Driver: Generally speaking, yes. But I have a non-specific urethritis and fear passing on an infection.
Passengers: Well said, driver! If only more public servants practised safe sex, then the burden on the health service would be lessened.

Postcard Three
Let the scene be set in a nudist colony's refreshment room. Let a sign be apparent reading Nudist Colony Refreshment Room. A man stands at the cash register with a tea tray. The operative is offering condiments and additions for a cup of tea.

Operative: Two lumps and a sponge finger?
Nudist: No, I suffer from Frolich's Syndrome, which results in atrophy of the genitals.
Supervisor: Please accept our apologies and have this spotted dick on the house.
Diners: It's a compensation culture, to be sure.

Postcard Four
Let the illustration show a man attempting to start a car and a helpful mechanic pulling up alongside.
Mechanic: Piston broke?
Driver: Yes, I am Dr AHK Maroon.

sarah said...

LOL @ Maroon

LOL @ Mrs P as well.

i got nothing darling AHK, nothing atoll, because i'm dim today. lack of sleep or just lack of a proper functioning brain, the jury is still out.

i think i need a stiff drink and a good hump or perhaps a stiff hump and a good drink.

i shall consult the locals.

Ms Scarlet said...

But I like pictures of seagulls. And boats.

Pat said...

I loved the ones as a child we saw at Blackpool - just bosoms and bums, naughty but nothing untoward - they went nicely with Fairy Land, The Winter Gardens, the Fun House at the Pleasure Beach, Pablos's Ice Cream factory and wet woollen bathing costumes. Pre-war innocent days.

savannah said...


Ms Scarlet said...

And then there's the giant thingy that you can stick your head through... you know... there's a saucy postcard painted on the front and you can go behind and... well, you stick your head through. And the jape is that the man sticks his head through the woman's hole and vice versa. And then someone will either take your picture, or someone will throw a wet sponge at you. Or something like that. They will pay good money to do this.
I think I ought to go to bed now.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarlet, I am to be in Brighton on Weds. I will see you there,

Eryl said...

Doc, what have vicars and cucumbers got to do with the sea side?

Ms Scarlet said...

A stroll on the pier! See you there!

Dr Maroon said...

I bow to you Clarissa, on bended knee...
"While you're down there mate..."

Sarah, I hope our silly seaside postcards translate. Either way settle down with a large stiff one.

Oh Scarls you hve it exact. Exactement! Here, have this double 99 on account.

Pat, kiss me quick-squeeze me slooooow.

Sav, keep up darling. google it. ;) oxooxxxo

Eryl, what have vicars and cucumbers got to do with the sea side?
I dunno, gay anal sex in Brighton with the bishop? Who knows?

sarah said...

Maroon, they translate well enough.. i've a history.

savannah said...

what a silly twit i am, sugar! your man mcgill was hilarious! xoxoxooxx

Anonymous said...

Hi - just popped in from Savannahs and Jimmy B's blogs to see who is talented. You are another tick in my box.

Anonymous said...

Oh must the cucumber be recumbent? Why can't it be pointing at the rack? I saw a young girl stroking her boyfriend's cucumber in broad daylight in the parque del oeste today.
God, why can't we be like that in the USA?

sarah said...

oh dear oh dear.. he's done this before. taking off, without a note.

Ms Scarlet said...

He's not the only one AWOL.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Probably in prison.

Ms Scarlet said...

Prison is no excuse. I'm sure they broadband these days....?

Ms Scarlet said...

*have broadband*
Good grief I am out of practice.

savannah said...

lookitheah, sugar, y'all need to keep in touch a bit more! xoxox

SCARLET! i miss you! xoxox

Kim Ayres said...

Hmm - we have not seen nor heard from him since his encounter with Daphne. Do you think she left him at the bottom of the Clyde?

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