Masterchef final or Ten Years Younger?
Oh, before we go any further; I am one ugly bastard.
I don’t mean ugly in a rugged, or hang dog, or interesting way. I mean pot fucking ugly in a weird ugly way. Not only that, I am ugly on the inside as well.
What ya gonna do?
You see, Time without measure in the past, in Limbo, I was assigned the wrong earthly vessel for my soul.
It was an admin error. Honestly.
I remember it like yesterday.
I was queuing up with all the other souls and it was busy that morning and there was a lot of high spirits and friendly jostling. So we calmed down a bit and we're all floating in an orderly line in our persil-white gowns and I noticed the smallest of smuts on my character. It must have come off an agnostic or something, anyway, tiny it was, a speck, I should have left it alone but I had to rub at it didn’t I? Well, I made it much worse, so I hid it, besmirching stain that it was; I hid it in a diaphanous fold.
See the whole thing was sleeveless, what else could I do?
So I’m queuing up at the dispatch hatch and I noticed it was Antimacassar on the counter. Shit. I’d never got on with him, don’t know why, just didn’t, so I reach the front and he says:
“Name…oh it’s you.”
“Yeah”
“Right, let’s see. Ah, we’ve got you down for a good one: number 242/A. very handsome”
“Excellent”
“Wait a minute, are those smuts I can see on your heavenly raiment?”
“Yeah but it’ll come out with some Fairy, I’m sure of it”
“I dunno, I think there’s been a big mistake. I think you should have 242/B”
“Fuck off. I'm not taking that one, it's ugly and it's not your decision to make”
“Oh yes it is, now take it and move on, you’re holding up the line”
“Fuck you”
“Your complaint will be processed. Next!…Name please”
“Gregory Peck”
“Right Greg, here we are, 242/A”
Anyway, back to Masterchef. Shaven headed Mat, (as in door, bath, and mouse) will win.
Late Update 01:15
The bastard won it! Press release follows
"The 42-year-old's winning menu consisted of a starter of trio of wild rabbit, a main course of spider crab with hand cut chips and sea vegetables, and a dessert of lavender mousse with hokey pokey and a blackberry sauce."
Jesus! What's happened to this country? Do you think he looks like Kim?
57 comments:
God almighty, I remember this conversation behind me in the queue. Myself and Andrew Lloyd-Webber was in bits with the laughter.
Well, I got stuck with 114/D*... and you know what that means...
Sx
So you and Peck are di-zygotic twins?
Masterchef - is that a reality TV cook-along programme?
i'll always think of you as the captain of the ship, sugar. ;) xoxo
We've only got your word for this Maroon. Case dismissed, with costs to Macassar.
Sky+ Masterchef for a time when you're not hungry and watch 10 years younger over a wine soaked dinner.
What's yer woman like who replaced the Seth Efreekken?
p.s. I'm thinking of taking mine back. It definitely didn't look like this before and it seems to be getting worse.
I'd ask you to smack that Brad Pitt in the coupon next time you see him down the pub, but it would probably only enhance his, really my, good looks.
Everyone hates a queue-jumper.
I had no idea you were as old as Gregory Peck, I'll endeavour to be a little more gracious towards you in future.
As you know, I was at the very front of the queue when gorgeousness was being doled out, and I can rock the raddled old Jewish princess look like no-one else. Scarlet, you were stuck with WD40, actually. It makes you noiseless but a bit oily.
I am, of course, one of the few who can speak on the subject of le vrai Maroon with any authority. The inquisitive should enquire of me, and with a few broad brush-strokes, I will paint the man.
A few brosd brush-strokes in deepest Maroon please, Mrs P.
I too know what the good doctor looks like. I am surprised at this confession, though. He made me swear an oath that if I was ever tortured for information about him I was to say he was the spitting image of George Clooney
I'm glad you're not handsome. It took me ages to get over MTL's appearance. I suppose you don't want to blow your cover so we won't get to see any photo to make up our own minds. I still see you as the chap at the wheel that used to be on your side bar.
Second thoughts - Kim knows - will he split?
I'll post a picture Pat. Why not?
The proper me or the true me Clarissa?
Sorry, I lack the idiom. Anyway, tell them to mind their own bloody business.
Talking of brushstrokes, remember when you painted my bits with lemon curd and kicked that beehive over? What was the doctor like? I kept telling him I was swollen and he wouldn't believe me.
Quack.
Yeah Eryl, you could try a bit of grace, wouldn't do any harm.
Che, you are right! I'd punch his ticket but he'd only go and adopt more kids and I couldn't do that to them.
ninetyninewords is she the barmaid in Shameless, or does she just look like her? Christ, hark at me! Two weeks ago I never watched the fucking thing and now I'm an expert.
My word is good from here to Tsumeb Inkspot, so curb your slanderous tendencies.
What ship Sav? Aye, there's the rub. Think ahead now and choose a good one like, like: you see? They are all sunk or scrapped. All the famous ones.
di-zygotic twins? Conan. You make me laugh you do. You may be interested to know that I am a seperated conjoined twin. We were joined at the left knee. That's right, we could not walk properly on account of it was both our left knees. We share a blood group, knee skin, and a love of country pubs with horse brasses and yards of ale.
Scarls, Mrs Pouncer trumped me before I even thought about it. Let's have an MM. Makes a lovely sundowner.
Ax
Jimmy, "...Myself and Andrew Lloyd-Webber..." What, for the love of Christ, were you doing in a queue with him? Don't you know he can get you tickets for any production? W T F have you been man?
the one you used to post, sugar...tanned, bearded, longish slightly greying hair...yes, that 's the image i keep of you... xoxox
this is really me ------------>
People often say to me: who is the real Maroon? And I am happy to oblige.
If there is one word that gives us the measure of the man, it is "dissolute". A lifetime of drinking on a heroic scale and reducing a single cigarette to ash with three drags has left him looking like Jeff Bernard injected with cortisone. Sometimes, he peers winningly upwards through the top rung of his hornrims, but most of the time he wears darks glasses, even in the cobalt light of a darkened bar. This is partially a disguise, but principally a shield. His prickling, red eyeballs cannot tolerate any sort of refraction. When you ask him, are you Maroon? He replies "Depends". When we first met, he would only mutter from one side of his mouth, claiming a great fear of lip-readers. He is cautious to a T, and is ceaselessly pursued by creditors of every kidney. He will only use poste restante, and changes his phone frequently. When we last travelled in a taxi, he stiffed me for the fare and persuaded me to over-tip the driver. Some low women - barmaids and such - believe him to be sophisticated, but they haven't seen him as I have; watching pro-celebrity darts with his socks off, a bottle of Emva Cream on an upturned cabin-trunk, unpacked since 1975.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00hzdnj/MasterChef_Series_5_Episode_32/
He might have a beard like mine, but he's got a hairstyle like yours...
Doc: I'm all agog now but I have suspected for some time that you are a bit of a tease.
And Kim has not uttered despite blandishments.
"it's ugly and it's not your decision to make."
when i read that, i laughed so hard i snorted.
mrs. pouncer - even if your description is a ruse (not accusing either way) it's extremely amusing and quite enjoyable.
Ah, face en face. Do ye sing a patella?
He looks like the devil.
Sarah, every single word is gilt-edged truth. He is my co-religionist, and I must say that his matzo consumption has given him carb-collar lately, but I know he will tackle this manfully by upping his Drambuie intake as a diversion. (Drambuie is completely kosher btw; look for the imprint on the label. Also, Penguin biscuits. And Bazooka Joe bubblegum has just been passed. Don't hesitate to push all other kosher enquiries my way).
George Clooney? Him hit with ugly stick at birth. Big time.
All food in a sufficiently good Chinese restaurant is kosher. Fact.
What, the pork curry; Inkspot?
Clarissa it's true though ain't it? If I could lose the spare tyre and me brisket, I'd look more human
Talking of good Chinese restaurants, there is a superb duck one in Paris. It is on the Rue de St. Jaques and once again the name escapes me but it's not far from Notre Dame, round the corner from Blvd St. Germaine, the Latin Quarter for Christ's sake, anyway you can't miss it because of all the ducks hanging up in the window. Once you've had duck here, every other duck is a pale reflection. Place is always full of Chinks but don't be put off. Try the smoked duck soup with dumplings and Peking duck parcels, then wire into their aromatic duck. God it's good. They all shovel away with chopsticks but they gave me an knife and fork without me having to ask so it's a pretty classy joint. I spent many patient hours recently, explaining how to get there to my older sibling who was on vacation in Paris not four days ago. Did they follow my advice and eat there? Did they fuck.
Do you mean Mirama? I have never been there; I hate MSG. Have you ever been to Perraudin? Everyone else loathes it, but they have treated me kindly in the past, even allowing me to put my head on the table and sleep. And to smoke like fuck.
"What, the pork curry;"? (A) Is that semi-colon a personal remark? (B) Don't listen to Clarissa, I've forgotten more about kasruth than she'll ever know.
Go on, ask me, ask me about barnacles frinstance.
I assume you mean "kashrut", Inky. And barnacles are not kosher. Also, a product available in Superdrug called Exaltaslim has been found to contain an extract of shellfish carapace. Sales have plummeted in Hendon, according to my sources.
And another thing, Tio Pepe is now OK. In the past, sherry required rabbinical supervision, and is still not allowed on shabbat or chagim. Not sure whether Emva would stand up to inspection, Maroon.
Me too, at Pat. Just like Jesus looked just like Robert Powell, so too does Maroon look like that fella-me-cap'n off the boat which used to sail your sidebar.
Only he's ginger. I remember some talk of him being ginger.
I think you should do it, Rooners. I think you should post your likeness. Why, as you say, not?
Mirama! That’s the bastard. 17 Rue St Jacques; yes indeed Clarissa.
I mean it’s not for occasions or romance; it’s bench tables and communal, republique dining but it tastes so good.
Top notch in-flight refuelling is what it is. Best nosebag this side of La Manche present company excepted, and then out again to the bright bars and exotic smoke of the Left Bank. Classique!
As to msg, well, I agree, the Koreans are fucking hellish for it and their food smells like garbage. It's the fermentation you see. I know Clarissa, we used to call it putrefaction tell me about it.
Um, some of the Tio Pepes are nice, as I'm sure Inky will confirm, (he being a fortified wine man like meself) and I'm with you regarding the barnacle debate ie - non kosher and that's that, no argument: and yet couldn’t my empire vatted be kept if only for soaking the trifle sponges? Oh please say yes.
Now, excuse me while I put Inky at his ease regarding colon use. (Fucking hell, the shit the schools turn out these days.)
Inky meboy! The semi colon was inserted for clarity because of the question mark. The question mark should fall after the word “curry”, yet the sentence is not complete, because I want to name you. Accusative, interrogative, you see? Cor, strike a light.
I ain't no ginger, Sam, you cheeky swine, if you don't mind me sayin'.
Alright alright. I'll post my picture, and yet I fancy I'll make it more interesting. I shall post it as a series of jigsaw pieces. Which bit would you like to see first?
Kasruth, schmasruth, as long as it tastes good. Or not, if my mother-in-law is in the kitchen. And if Tio Pepe, why not barnacles? And how can a thing be trayf one day and not the next? Did they rewrite Deuteronomy overnight?
It's still a punctuation malfunction, Maroon. I'd blame my keyboard if I were you.
(These high level discussions are thirsty work, you know.)
Leviticus, Inky! And anyway, trayf isn't the point. Why are you being so picky? Are you pissed?
so that wasn't you on the masthead? ;-) xoxo
Leviticus! Damn.
Anyway, moving on and putting that behind us, I vote for the Tilley hat as the first bit of Maroon's jigsaw.
Christ Inky! How did you know I had a Tilley Hat? It's a T5 and I look like Pik Botha in it. I get a lot of funny looks in Namibia I can tell you (BECAUSE OF THE HAT!)
It cost a bastard fortune.
Nay Sav lass, that weren't me at the taff rail. Beards are gay.
Yes, Inky, swiftly followed by his right hand (grasping his Swagelok tube fitting). Or maybe one of his feet? He has the feet of St Sebastian, you know.
Leviticus, Inky! And anyway, trayf isn't the point. Why are you being so picky?
Because he is a tosser.
God, of course I am! Nul points for obviousness, though.
Hi God.
The story about the administrative error was simply that. I am sure I got the one I deserved and a fine one it is, honestly. You'd be surprised how attractive it is to lady shoppers in Asda. The women love it, so it must have something. So no offence intended.
While you are here, as you will know, I'm a little short at this point in the proceedings, to wit, I am stoney broke, skint, non liquid. Therefore I wonder if you might stack the deck a little in my favour. Nothing too grand, we wouldn't want to frighten the horses, just a gradual fade up of the fiscal fountain. I'd be ever so grateful, well, you know I would. Do you want me to ban that Heathen Inkspot?
Kind regards,
You know who.
Inky!
Clarissa.
What do you make of God coming here among us? I DO have the feet of Saint Sebastian so I don't think it's blasphemy. It's a feather in my cap actually, to have God commenting on CTR. I wonder what he wants. What do you think the spanner means?
God! Hoorah! I KNEW you'd turn up sooner or later, and who can blame you? However, I am from the Thames Valley, and you might feel a little more comfortable at mine. Maroon, as you know, is from the Mean Streets: says "am ur" and "hee-haw", calls me "doll" and talks about giving it laldy. Have you SEEN his teeth? No, me neither. He just won't let me, no matter what I've held in front of him as a sweetener. Anyhoo, he is strapped for cash at the moment, and it makes life difficult. We have a case pending (some unpleasantness about prohibited food colourants) and if costs MAY be awarded against us. Any chance of a sizeable bung? Better to direct it my way, on second thoughts. I will eke it out, whereas Maroon will blow it. As per.
Yes, thank you for that, Clarissa, but I'm sure God will know that I have our best interests at heart and will see fit to assist me directly.
Sorry, forgot to answer Mrs P's question: wasn't, but am now. Will explain later. Oh, and the hat: Maroon devoted an entire post to his headgear a while ago. [Attempts to tap side of nose with forefinger and misses.]
Oh Inky! Lucky you! I can't start until 1800 today.
Is it your birthday?
I see that Corpus have been ignominiously stripped of the spoils, Maroon. It appears that Kay runs a very successful Thai Bride agency and is minted. Paxo in pieces. You gotta love Gail, though.
so have you done some sort of dash away again, sugar? ya'll missed mah party!
sigh
missing parties is the story of my life, Sav old darling.
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