That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Thursday, March 12, 2009



Ali Bongo Dead!
Irish not to blame says hospital spokesman.


In a sad announcement that rocked the world of magic, the death of beloved madcap magician Ali Bongo was put down to age, cardiac arrhythmia, stroke and finally pneumonia. An ashen faced agent Manny Cohen added that no Irish involvement in his demise could be found or inferred.
Last night First and Deputy First Minister of the Northern Ireland Assembly and the Irish Taoiseach were united in their relief at the conjurer’s non Irish downfall.

58 comments:

lynedoch_lock_in said...

I see you haven't lost your touch.

rhese_eggs_are_rubbery said...

You said it, Lynedoch.
The man's a genius. A silver tongued magician.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It is truly sad news, Dr Maroon. I had the honour of meeting the man in the 1980s. You wouldn't believe how polite he was about Uri Geller, calling him a "talented magician". Nor was he the least bit bitter about being Paul Daniel's backstage gopher. He was Irish on his mother's side and it showed in the beauty of his soul.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I guess it's too late to ask him for the return of my Ford Sierra wheel trims?

...fecking story of my life.

Dr Maroon said...

Mr Gorilla Bananas, Ali was the best tech in the biz and would often travel through the night with a new property for Daniels' show. He'll be much missed. His act was silent you know. Taught David Nixon (he of the shaky hand on close up) all he knew.

Mr Bastard I saw them! He did this marvellous thing where he spun them like flying saucers. The kids loved it. Ford Sierra eh? Serves you right.

inkspot said...

Maroon! Get back to the business of your previous post, where you have annoyed everyone who chooses to be annoyed. Yes, me too, I'm Irish today.

scarlet-blue said...

Have you seen my hair straighteners? I was going to ask earlier but I got confused.
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarlet, your hair is a mare's nest. You can only come in if you are Irish and have the true bloom of the coy colleen and a Joseph Locke CD in your reticule. Otherwise, it's outski for you and your Babylis.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Sorry, "Josef". Or John MacCormack. The count.

Dr Maroon said...

Inky, where to start. I blame the Scottish education system. We take English as a foreign language. Not for us the twin subjects of English Language and Literature. Therein lies my downfall. I have difficulty with the words hubris which I often misuse for humus, humerus and humorous, humble and humbug. do you see? A bone of the upper arm, decaying plant material in soil, misleading behaviour or a boiled peppermint sweet...

Rembember this Inky, and let it be your lesson for today:
Words have wings and cannot be recalled.

Dr Maroon said...

Scarlet you left them here last time you popped round to borrow a cup of vodka. I wouldn't mind but you left them plugged in.
Here, have a MM and we'll say no more about it.

Ax

Dr Maroon said...

Clarissa!

If you're Irish, come into the parrrr-lour,
There's a wel-come there for you.
If your name - is, Timothy or Pat,
So-long-as-you-come-from-Ireland,
There's a welcome on the mat!

God, great days, weren't they?
Oh let's have quickstep or twostep around the room, just for the hell of it.

scarlet-blue said...

I have a smidge of Irish somewhere along the line... this may explain the ginger highlights and coppery tones.
Anyhow, Mrs P has mentioned White Russians and I quite fancy one of those please.
Sx

Kim Ayres said...

NEVER APOLOGISE! NEVER EXPLAIN!


*cough*... I'm sorry, let me make this clear for you...

Dr Maroon said...

Coming right up!
Did you know that Kahlua is made in Glasgow? Aha! Yes. Thought not.
Here, get that down you quick.
Hmm, I think I'll join you.

Ax

Dr Maroon said...

Oh Christ Kim, I know. Fucking Hell, it's a fucking blog not a fucking debating society. It ain't even a democracy.
Well said that man.

btw, were you "anonymous"?

Conan Drumm said...

Now Kim, I don't know if you're being ironic or supportive or ironically supportive but I would like to say why it is that we, the Irish, are sensitive to racism - be it casual racism, ironic racism, jocose racism, or hubristic racism - emananting from the neigbouring island.

We were characterised as a brutal, savage, sub-human people for centuries. A people who despite having our own laws and language were deemed to be in need of 'civilisation'.

We had writers like Edmund Spenser expound at length on the way we dressed and how we lived as if we were animals to be controlled in a zoo where he had been "granted" 5,000 acres during the Munster Plantation.

We were made subject to land-grabbing and persecution, and a range of laws which were ruthlessly enforced in order to suppress our language and culture. It amounts to and culminated in what we today call genocide.

So when Maroon lazily describes "The Irish" "Gits" as being murderous, he describes us all. He cannot claim the defence of irony, or humour, no more than the Punch cartoonists who depicted us as apes.

He can of course claim that it's his blog and that he can say what he likes. That is true.

My response to that is to say that he is a writer who makes lazy racist remarks and, because he is unwilling to admit to that when it is pointed out to him, I may justifiably infer that he is a racist.

ninetyninewords said...

Point of order. Kahlua is made in an ICI factory in Alloa.Or am I getting confused with Bombay Sapphire?

Was never committed on Ali Bongo, something about the way Chris Tarrant said his name.

Kim Ayres said...

Strange times here in Blogworld. Savannah vanishes and Doc Maroon alienates himself from a whole bunch of blog pals because he refuses to apologise for overstepping the mark.

Yeah, it's only a blog. And if people don't like it, they can fuck off elsewhere.

So why is anyone taking the time to comment and challenge, rather than just fucking off?

Perhaps they care. Perhaps, when you build up a relationship with someone and they come out with something that upsets you, even if was just a tasteless joke, you feel the need to point out to them they crossed a line, and get even more upset when they refuse to acknowledge it.

Maybe you're on a self loathing trip, Doc, where you're happy to lash out and fuck 'em if they can't take a tasteless joke.

But while I know we've had the never-apologise, never-explain conversation before, I don't think you've ever done anything that made me feel so uncomfortable.

And no, don't worry, I've not been commenting under any other name than my own for a long time.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'd like to say that Dr Maroon has always been very sensitive in his remarks about apes. Many are the occasions in which he has followed the word "ape" with "no offence" when debating with me. And he never called me "a simian cunt", not even once.

As for the last post, the whole thing was a parody of dumb tabloid bigotry. Anyone who thinks the sentiments conveyed were those of the good Dr M doesn't know him very well.

Dr Maroon said...

I have read all your arguments carefully and found them mistaken in their premise and flawed as a result.
I will not explain the tone taken on Cape to Rio to anyone.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Oish gevald, Kim! Out there, men are inhaling toxic dust down coal mines, and testing for hairline cracks in the top rims of cooling towers. This is a blog - ONLY a blog - it brings out the histronic element in an otherwise decorous person, and it is least of all to be trusted when it purports to show the unvarnished truth. It's not even a medium; or at least, only in the sense that a window is a medium. A window might limit our perception of the world according to how it restricts the panorama within its frame. It seems to me that Dr Maroon has a sufficient sense of the absurd and is not precious about his personal reputation, but Ireland still seems a frighteningly intractable issue, even now. Particularly now. For those of us who remember the frequent TV coverage of squaddies getting beaned by men with night-sight Armalites, it feels as if it's never gone away. Maroon is an old-style rabble-rouser who has chosen to demonstrate the spell-binding tones of mob oratory. A rant, in short. Also, he was probably pissed.

And apart from anything, you should try being Jewish at the moment. Si un homme attribue tout ou partie des malheurs du pays et de ses propres malheurs a la presence d'elements juifs dans la communaute etc etc etc etc as dear old Sartre had it.

Dr Maroon said...

Sorry Mr Gorilla Bananas, we crossed.
You're right! I have never used the "S" word, saving your presence.

Dr Maroon said...

Oh Clarissa!
Sorry, we crossed.
Es ist eine alte Geschichte,
Doch bleibt sie immer neu...

When people talk about a wealthy man of my creed, they call him an Israelite; but if he is poor they call him a Jew.

Dr Maroon said...
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Dr Maroon said...

If we didn't exist they (the anti-Semites)would have to invent us Clarissa, and I take heart from that.

Oh, God bless Tony Hart, artistic angel in Heaven.

Sarah said...

Maroon.. a sordid attempt at a half assed apology.. or more likely just stoking up the fire.

man.. it's all just too funny. sit back, have a laugh, enjoy yourself.

Achilles said...

enjoy yourself Sarah?
reminds me of a song once popular over here that went;
enjoy yourself, it's later than you think...

extremelyfuckingobvious said...

Although I preferred Give My Regards to Sergeant Fury, funnily enough. Ugly enough.

red nose day is shite said...

just pledged 5000. it's for the kiddies. theres a nice park opposite.

Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Maroon said...

1000ml Cava, 175 ml Absolut and fresh orange and eyeing up a nice Grahams crusted.

Dr Maroon said...

Do you know who was sacked Clarissa?
I was off at the Scotsman for more ice and I missed it.
xxx

Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Maroon said...

Sorry Clarissa, I was off looseing the dogs. Have a big frenchie back. We are gorgeous. We just can't help it.

Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Maroon said...

These drinks are appalling. I will swop to Bushmills too. I won't drink coke though. It is a drink of the south and I don't hold with that.

Dr Maroon said...

Indeed we must. Let's play. We shall never mention the sanctimonious again. What a top hole idea!

Dr Maroon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

i like that you've brought back that photo Maroon. i did always like that on the banner of this site.

Conan Drumm said...

Ah, so you'd have us believe the offensive post was but an affectation, a sort of script you uttered? Is that the correct premise?

So, who is this 'Dr Maroon' then, a pretend racist? In the absence of any engagement with the comments I've made on this and the previous post I'll sadly take him for that, and pass.

No Good Boyo said...

The Grievance Attribution Department of the Cymru Rouge (Hibernian Section) has assessed the comments on this and other web blogs and asserts the following:

1. Dr Maroon is a doctor, and it is as unwise to cross his profession as it is to mock a civil engineer, as both can bury their enemies;

2. Although factually inaccurate is attributing contrition to the divserse governments of the various parts of Ireland over the death of Mr Bongo, Dr Maroon is within his rights to impute all sorts of feelings to public figures in the intuitive manner now approved by the Home Office, BBC and bourgeois progressive press;

3. The main religions in Ireland are virulent forms of Roman Catholicism and Presbyterianism, both of which regard necromancers like the late Mr Bongo as "Hob's pizzle-ease", and so their involvement and that of the governments they control in the demise of Bongo cannot be dismissed; and

4. We have met Dr Maroon and entertain various fancies about Mrs Pouncer, whereas no senior Rouge cadre or shrieking child-soldier has any idea who these Erse pleintifs are, and first impressions are the primary determining factor in Mao-Glynd┼Árist justice.

In conclusion, we rule Dr Maroon to be ideologically rigorous in all his words and deeds, and hereby summon his critics to a Cymru Rouge tribunal to be held at a location just off the coast of Wales, where they will be given a fair hearing before execution is carried out.

Henffych!

The Prif Sasiwn of the Cymru Rouge,
14 Gwynfor, Year 4.

Dr Maroon said...

Conan I won't engage on this. I can't let you see behind the green curtain. No-one gets round there, health and safety.

It's a good photo Sarah isn't it? Kim gave me it.

inkspot said...

I've never met anyone who admits to being Dr Maroon, but I have read his post of Oct 9, 2005. It is hard to read that and then be certain that to take offence at the current or preceding post is to do anything besides tilt at a particularly artificial windmill.

Dr Maroon said...

Boyo!
Your generous advocacy is a harbour light unlooked for. You are a true prince of Wales unlike our tree hugging young pretender.

1) I AM a doctor, certified, yet without oath. Your eyes see far.

2) following our discussions in Berkshire (have you received my promissory note for breakages yet?) I agree that I may take the established BBC view with some confidence, and in disseminating it however vicariously, only be a source for good. I have taken The Guardian for many years now, how perceptive you are.

3) There’s the rub. You have it exact. Exactement! Who can say which bejewelled hands are on the levers even as I type this? Adjusting this and that, eliminating those who work their magic without reference to a higher power. In such circumstances wouldn’t we be tempted, nay, compelled to act in the self same way?

4) I am sure I made an impression and it gladdens me that it is one you remember. As I say, the cheque’s in the post but with the state of partial privatisation of the mail, who can say when it will arrive? In the meantime, I bow to your generosity once more.

I shall take your judgement in my favour as a weed in a desert turns its face up to receive the mercy of gentle rain. God bless you Boyo.

Outstation 23/436
14 Gwynfor, Year 4

Dr Maroon said...

God thanks Inky.
Do you think I should reprint it?
Would it stand peer review?
I have an update on sickle cell anaemia. Vis that it is related to populations and their descendants who lived with endemic malaria. Thus it is found in southern European and South American descendants as well as African ones. See? I knew I was right.
I was funnier back then as well wasn’t I?
It’s just a dip in form, I promise.

Kim Ayres said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Maroon said...

Kim,
The annoyance at the Muslim demonstration was very telling. EVERYBODY said they had a right to protest yet sought to deny it to them. The story should have ended there. Yet we were somehow insulted. It wasn’t jingoism and it wasn’t Little Englanderism; we were insulted because they chose the wrong target. We were peeved that they didn’t know it was such bad form. Just as Islamic dress is bad form. It’s not the attire, it’s the sanctimonious proscription that comes with it.
I am constantly told that tolerance is a bedrock of Islam. Why isn’t it obvious?

The best comment from Ireland about the shootings was from a young mother who said she was frightened that her children would grow up in a bigoted country. She didn’t mention tiny minorities of trouble makers or a vast majority of open-minded people wanting to get on with their lives. What the hell did she care?

Dr Maroon said...

Oh, I'm not sheepish or ashamed. Ashamed of what? Being a shit writer? and I should "have the decency"? What on earth does that mean?
None of Bock's family have ever lifted a gun against anyone. Hardly exceptional. I didn't make a point of excluding the vast majority of peace loving Irishmen. It's a liturgy now. We always have to add it on to any criticism of any group. Yet not so with America. The Americans did this or that, or America is to blame for this or that. They're a big country they are used to it.

Kim Ayres said...

I'll just have to accept you know what you're talking about, Doc, 'cos I'm still missing something.

I love this line:
We’ve given them Moslems the right to protest and the bastards have taken it. There’s gratitude for you.

and if it had ended there, I'd laughed, made a silly comment and gone home.

But I still don't really understand the rest. Having had my worth (or lack thereof) very often decided by the bit of rock I was born on, I cannot subscribe to the Irish are this, the English are that, the americans are the other, the Scots are, the Jews are, the Muslims are, women are, disabled people are etc. Not without a serious amount of tongue in cheek or twinkle in the eye.

My earlier outburst was unbecoming. Too much red nose day, I think. I've removed it, although of course you have a copy in your email to remind you when alter egos burst through...

Sometimes I really wish I could get drunk without the hangover

Dr Maroon said...

It got you out your pit.

Put it back.
Please do.
Jesus. You could be right, good editing is all but that's no longer the point. Everyone has been allowed the right of reply, the right to condemn, object, register their disapproval, like letters to the editor, yet it's not enough.
It's like when Humphries interviews Martin McGuinness. The interview can't proceed until MM says the word "murder" so the whole thing is wasted. Who set Humphries up as our moral arbiter? Maybe I am racist with anti Irish tendencies but it's a new one on me. People who use the word loosely, without rigour, without even a look at the evidence are unreachable. A sense of injustice can never be repaired, it's too late by then, it's personal.

Put your comment back, it breaks the thread.

Kim Ayres said...

Unfortunately, not only does Google not give me the option of putting it back, it was typed out straight on to the page, not copied and pasted, so I have no record of it, and doubt I could catch those subtle *cough* nuances again.

Kim Ayres said...

I've got to get rid of this red nose on my avatar - it's not giving my philosophical credentials any boost

No Good Boyo said...

Thanks Doc, and don't worry about the breakages. Mrs Boyo has entered them as an installation in the Berkshire Arts Festival, and we've not been able to move here for windswept BBC2 late-night presenters.

Dr Maroon said...

Boyo my breakages are artistic aren't they? I can't help it, I'm just lucky that way. Even in my lack of coordination while drunk, I display a certain art. It's a gift. Nothing more.


Kim never let the sun set on a grievance, never draw to a straight or inside flush, and what's all this about "philosophical credentials"?

inkspot said...

Doc, it depends on the implied pot odds. But you knew that, so what's your point?