Late breaking update : The picture above shows my Great Uncle Patrick Maroon working on his famous theory that Einstien stole and modified. This picture is always attributed to the great man himself but if you compare it to the one I posted before you can see there is no similarity at all.
Q E D Mr G. Bananas.


(with special thanks to Kim Ayres the Bearded Scotsman)


With Chef’s Selection of Seasonal Vegetables.

Twenty Major reminds us today that for all our modern affluence and 4x4 sophistication the best slap up dinner is still;

Prawn Cocktail
Sirloin Steak
Black Forrest Gateaux
Cheeseboard
The Worst Coffee in The World.

All washed down with lashings of house red served in a glass urine flask.
What could be better?
The phoney concern from the underpaid and badly trained staff
“Everything OK for you sir?”
“Yeah, bring more wine”
“I’ll send the wine waiter”
“How would you like your steak sir?”
“Just wipe its arse and plate it up”
“Shall I let this breathe sir?”
“No, pour it out”
“Bring more rolls and butter”
“And English mustard”
“Yeah an’ more wine an’ all”
“And an ashtray”
The jolly japes with the napkins
“Look, party hats!”
Peering into an empty carafe like Nelson
“I see no ships/wine snicker snicker”
The final torture over the tip
“That’s enough isn’t it? The service wasn’t THAT good”
“Thank you sir, and will sir be dining alone again tomorrow night?”

Update: I've just thought of a new business idea called "Interbottle" * It's like interflora but will link up off-licences ** instead of florists. Noone can use this idea except me from now on. Claim staked at 12.28 GMT on 24 November 2005.

* the name may change **Liquor stores.