Maroon, are you awake? I am just in from the Duke of Cambridge, and a bad man gave me a Conversation Lozenge. I can't even begin to tell you what it said. Needless to say, I was sickened to the quick by it. However, I see from the packet that they are manufactured by Ramoon Confectionery Inc of Riyadh. I sincerely hope you don't have a hand in this vile sweetmeat.
Clarissa I hold my hands up. Guilty as charged. They are a new line in loveheart-type peppermint conversation confection. Whereas the originals would be printed with the tasteful aphorisms of "hold my hand" and "be my sweetheart" The Ramoon lozenge is tastefully more direct. "Suck me" could be a direction to suck the sweet, do you see? Mind you, "bend over" is a little blunt, I'll agree.
Yes, well I was unfortunate enough to be handed the one that said Suck Me And Watch Me Change Colour. I asked whether it was some species of gobstopper. The reply: could be, love, if you play your cards right.
Ah yes, those are our more advanced range of zube zube. Have you tried "take me to Highbury"? or the creme fondant filled "want a screwdriver?" Very rewarding and satisfying.
Credit where it's due, it was your niece who came up with the idea. I got them printed up and left a packet with her friend "Hams" Henderson with the injunction to "work her way through that lot..." Which she duly did with sameless relish.
Appalling. A beastly junk-bond trader at the next table had a bag of your Extra Strong selection. The mottos to be found on those confections are nothing short of pornographique. He handed the entire packet to the unfortunate waitress (Jennifer Henderson) and said "Work your way through those, love". She is such a greedy little innocent, that she was halfway through Open Your Mouth And **** My **** Until I **** Over Your **** before she remembered she had a half-eaten bag of Cheese Moments behind the bar. Much more nutritious.
Sorry, we crossed. As you see, my eye-witness report of Hams's guileless greed has the ring of truth about it. And my niece doesn't eat sweets. She is something of a body fascist, you know.
Fogotten Chipitos already have you Maron you aunt? I remeber when you dittn even have two Cheesy Wotsits to rub together. Now you "think" your a big shot in crisspy snacks well "heres some news" some of us remain fathfull to Big Ds.
Maroon, I fear I may have to report you to the Food Standards Agency. A brief glance at the list of ingredients on the back of the packet yields the following: Sorbitol, corn starch, peppermint essence, Rohypnol, Docusate enema solution, amyl nitrate, zinc, urea, Lourdes water, Logynon, Trimeprazine tartrate, Buprenorphine, Canesten, Priadel and Loprazolam, May Contain Nuts.
I do hope you are not implicated in the M. Jackson brouhaha. The family have demanded unusual postmortem investigations after an empty packet of Ramoon's Sportsman's Selection was discovered in his single mitten.
The Sportsman's Selection has a microdot disclaimer next to the R trademark symbol. It clearly states that they are intended for external recreational use only. Whether that means they can be eaten outdoors or should only be applied as a resin, is a matter of interpretation and not for here. Poor Michael he obviously had a serious nut alergy.
Hmm your symbols are titchy. I can make out the Diamond K, and also the Association for Reliable Kashruth, but some of your other licensing seems questionable. And who is Piperson Ltd?
Well, thanks for the reference, Doc, but 'fucklestop' is not just a 'word', it's a lifestyle. To fucklestop one must post a comment to a thread that kills all subsequent comment stone dead. Putting the word in a post is just wanking around.
I've just come back to your blog, hving lived something approaching a life for the last few months, and I must say I find most of you lot (my linked bloggers, that is) to be the same assortment of weirdos, social incompetents, freaks, gibberers, cheekspreaders and corksoakers that you always were, and that I once was until I broke free with the aid of childbirth on my wife's part. But your correspondent Mrs Pouncer seems halfway sane, so I might just stick around.
Have you collected any of the Pan Books of Horror? They're rather good.
I once gave Princess Margaret a wet kiss after Princess Anne asked me to lick her aunt. There's no copyright on that, Maroon, use it as much as you like.
Dear Foot Eater, whoever you are, forgive me I am a bit pissed, but Maroon and I wouldn't touch a Pan Book of Horror with a French-polished barge pole. We are onto stronger meat. For example, no sooner has he got a William Ard in his hand, I am literally grabbing it from him, baying for the denouement. Our other fave raves include March Hastings, Johnny Laredo, Oren A Lang and Sloane Britain. We belong to the same Book Club. Maroon's on the Catering Committee.
I was just trying to give Foot Eater an in. I could expand, of course. Remember how we couldn't get enough of Perversity by Francis Cargo? And every word written by Una Mujer? Oh, Google away, you philistines. There is no artifice here. Maroon and I have made this our quest.
32 comments:
thas been in a post before.. that fucklestopped business.
What did Fuckles top? A Christmas tree? A spire? A Cactus?
Sx
Write something, you aunt.
time away is a good thing, isn't it, sugar? xoxox
Maroon, are you awake? I am just in from the Duke of Cambridge, and a bad man gave me a Conversation Lozenge. I can't even begin to tell you what it said. Needless to say, I was sickened to the quick by it. However, I see from the packet that they are manufactured by Ramoon Confectionery Inc of Riyadh. I sincerely hope you don't have a hand in this vile sweetmeat.
Clarissa I hold my hands up. Guilty as charged. They are a new line in loveheart-type peppermint conversation confection.
Whereas the originals would be printed with the tasteful aphorisms of "hold my hand" and "be my sweetheart" The Ramoon lozenge is tastefully more direct. "Suck me" could be a direction to suck the sweet, do you see? Mind you, "bend over" is a little blunt, I'll agree.
Sarah, just a glitch. Normal service, etc. etc.
Scarls, it's one of Foot Eater's words.
Have this white russian.
Ax.
Yes Savannah honey, it sure is. oxoxo
Yes, well I was unfortunate enough to be handed the one that said Suck Me And Watch Me Change Colour. I asked whether it was some species of gobstopper. The reply: could be, love, if you play your cards right.
It has your coarse hallmark all over it.
Ah yes, those are our more advanced range of zube zube.
Have you tried "take me to Highbury"?
or the creme fondant filled "want a screwdriver?"
Very rewarding and satisfying.
Credit where it's due, it was your niece who came up with the idea. I got them printed up and left a packet with her friend "Hams" Henderson with the injunction to "work her way through that lot..." Which she duly did with sameless relish.
Appalling. A beastly junk-bond trader at the next table had a bag of your Extra Strong selection. The mottos to be found on those confections are nothing short of pornographique. He handed the entire packet to the unfortunate waitress (Jennifer Henderson) and said "Work your way through those, love". She is such a greedy little innocent, that she was halfway through Open Your Mouth And **** My **** Until I **** Over Your **** before she remembered she had a half-eaten bag of Cheese Moments behind the bar. Much more nutritious.
Sorry, we crossed. As you see, my eye-witness report of Hams's guileless greed has the ring of truth about it. And my niece doesn't eat sweets. She is something of a body fascist, you know.
I am working on a potato based conversation snack to plug that very niche.
Love Spuds or Prongles. Whadya reckon?
Oh, Love Spuds every time! What shape are they?
Fogotten Chipitos already have you Maron you aunt? I remeber when you dittn even have two Cheesy Wotsits to rub together. Now you "think" your a big shot in crisspy snacks well "heres some news" some of us remain fathfull to Big Ds.
O Lord. Big Ds were fab. Remember the scantily clad model whose chest was hidden by nut bags?
Lager and lime and a Castella please
Maroon, are you still fond of Big Ds? Or are they something you would only consider when in your cups?
Big Ds are my favourite and always will be.
Avaritia bona est.
Good night, Achilles.
Maroon, I fear I may have to report you to the Food Standards Agency. A brief glance at the list of ingredients on the back of the packet yields the following: Sorbitol, corn starch, peppermint essence, Rohypnol, Docusate enema solution, amyl nitrate, zinc, urea, Lourdes water, Logynon, Trimeprazine tartrate, Buprenorphine, Canesten, Priadel and Loprazolam, May Contain Nuts.
I do hope you are not implicated in the M. Jackson brouhaha. The family have demanded unusual postmortem investigations after an empty packet of Ramoon's Sportsman's Selection was discovered in his single mitten.
The Sportsman's Selection has a microdot disclaimer next to the R trademark symbol. It clearly states that they are intended for external recreational use only. Whether that means they can be eaten outdoors or should only be applied as a resin, is a matter of interpretation and not for here.
Poor Michael he obviously had a serious nut alergy.
Hmm your symbols are titchy. I can make out the Diamond K, and also the Association for Reliable Kashruth, but some of your other licensing seems questionable. And who is Piperson Ltd?
Well, thanks for the reference, Doc, but 'fucklestop' is not just a 'word', it's a lifestyle. To fucklestop one must post a comment to a thread that kills all subsequent comment stone dead. Putting the word in a post is just wanking around.
I've just come back to your blog, hving lived something approaching a life for the last few months, and I must say I find most of you lot (my linked bloggers, that is) to be the same assortment of weirdos, social incompetents, freaks, gibberers, cheekspreaders and corksoakers that you always were, and that I once was until I broke free with the aid of childbirth on my wife's part. But your correspondent Mrs Pouncer seems halfway sane, so I might just stick around.
Have you collected any of the Pan Books of Horror? They're rather good.
Oh, and as I've said before: you can just soak my cork, or stack my Coke. Or tuck my sock.
Do you mind if I don't, Foot Eater?The idea of Bruce Forsythe in Hyde Park has given me the dry boak.
I once gave Princess Margaret a wet kiss after Princess Anne asked me to lick her aunt. There's no copyright on that, Maroon, use it as much as you like.
I shook the old Queen Mother's hand on two separate occasions. Never once did the equerry say I should lick her aunt.
Dear Foot Eater, whoever you are, forgive me I am a bit pissed, but Maroon and I wouldn't touch a Pan Book of Horror with a French-polished barge pole. We are onto stronger meat. For example, no sooner has he got a William Ard in his hand, I am literally grabbing it from him, baying for the denouement. Our other fave raves include March Hastings, Johnny Laredo, Oren A Lang and Sloane Britain. We belong to the same Book Club. Maroon's on the Catering Committee.
I cannot believe you said all that Clarissa, without mentioning our favourite; Seymour Shubin.
I was just trying to give Foot Eater an in. I could expand, of course. Remember how we couldn't get enough of Perversity by Francis Cargo? And every word written by Una Mujer? Oh, Google away, you philistines. There is no artifice here. Maroon and I have made this our quest.
I dont eat sucky sweets any more. They're bad for your teeth you know
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