That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It’s strange but true.
If I had any guts I’d shoot myself.
You may be interested to know I have an unlicensed Brno rifle and a side by side multichoke. My kitchen drawers are swimming in shells. So much for “Responsible Keeper.”
My best friend, now dead and buried in the ash pits of God-awful Lanarkshire, explained it to me:
“ He was too old, it was too much, he couldn’t start again.”
I am a first rate shot.
In the school’s corps in 1971 we were given WD 303s and two-foot bayonets. We loved it. We couldn’t run. We fell over our webbing and the bayonets were longer than our thigh bones and dug into our calves yet we were ready to shoot any bastard (German) that dared to take us on.
Another dead friend visited me out of the blue in 1980. He was RUC. Can you believe it? He had medals and a citation and a Colt 45 automatic in his pocket. I was on that long vac between first and second year at Trinity. I had returned in triumph. I didn’t tell anyone the truth. That it was shit; a disaster.
Easter and summer, I had come back to Perthshire , I was 21 and what a conquering twat I was .
We walked to a field and let off at the rabbits and rats.
Twang!
It’s a cross between bang! And twing!
The shell came out the side and hit me in the head.
I never understood it.
I thought he had shot me in the head.
Eight moths later he was “killed in action.”
They tortured him and booby-trapped his body with gelignite.
He was the Catholics’ Catholic.
You could not have met a bigger Pape.
They sent a robot out to collect his body. The robot cut the wires and brought him back.

20 comments:

Mrs Pouncer said...

I didn't find this very funny. Not funny at all. Where are the jokes and where is the swearing? What's happened to the irresponsible drinking (3.00 pm) and peering down cleavages? What's the matter with you?

scarlet-blue said...

Hello Mrs P...
No, 'fraid it was lost on me too Dr Maroon, and now I have images of RD-D2 getting stuck down a rabbit hole and being shot at.
You can peer down my cleavage if you like.
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
savannah said...

dear ladies, i swear, i was at a loss as well! of course, i chalked it up to being the poor american cousin not understanding...what has happened to our dear friend? xoxox

(altho, i must admit, the side by side multichoke did engage my hunting sensibilities and shotgun envy.)

Kim Ayres said...

Too much sun, Dr Maroon, you weren't raised for such things. Stick your head out into some Scottish sleet and you'll find your brain will stop cooking.

Conan Drumm said...

In the RUC of all things. Not a clean force and not a good time for to be in it.

And the killers probably killed more Catholics than they did any other denomination but it was never about religion really. It was about having someone beneath to kick so the kicker would feel marginally less marginalised.

Sarah said...

holy crap man. shoot me one.

inkspot said...

"Swimming in shells". I've never understood that metaphor. I mean, the shells are in the drawer, so how can the drawer be swimming in the shells?

The solipsism and narcissism of your friend's murderers are overwhelming.

scarlet-blue said...

Apologies Dr Maroon. Foot in mouth.
Sx

ninetyninewords said...

Irish Republicanism, it's got so much to be proud of, eh?

Eryl Shields said...

What a picture you paint, Doc, of our dystopian inclinations: 'Trinity' and booby-trapped bodies, and robots saving us from ourselves.

problemchildbride said...

Sorry about this. The whole lot of it.

Dr Maroon said...

No need to be sorry Sam, It was all a long time ago.

Happy Valantine's Eryl. dyk that the saint is buried in the Gorbals? Of course you did.

ninetynine words, em, Hi! I'd ask what you'd like from the bar but i think...wait, I know, an Emva Cream. Lovely biscuits.

Inky! How the devil are you? Here, have a Graham's and we'll say no more about it.

Sarah, I shall. In fact if you examine the picture in the sucedding post you will see two speckled jims in the top right. They will make a hearty lunch.

Conan, disasterous times all round.

Kim, it was too much sun. See picture taken from my bedroom window on next post. I did hang my head out. Thanks.

Savannah, are you by any chance related to the senator from Alaska? Whatshername? God I hope not.

Scarls! I live in hope that one day I shall do just that. Peer down your cleavage. I'll be tasteful, you will never know I am doing it, but I will, believe me.
Ax

Dr Maroon said...

Clarissa! So sorry, it's all just chemicals.
It's 10:42 and I'll have a snifter forthwith.
Stand over here and I'll show you my skill as a hands-on compere.

savannah said...

ah shall ignore that slander, sugar, and remind ya'll that iah dew live in the south and around heah people only shoot what they can eat! real hunters, darlin, not pretend helo flying politicians pandering to the reality tv watching unwashed masses...

ninetyninewords said...

Ta. Can I skip the Emva? Too sweet. Is a Margaux out of the question? OK, house red it is.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Turning down an Emva? Good heavens! Maroon will be nonplussed. We sometimes enjoy an Empire Sunset during University Challenge (3 parts British Sherry, one part hair oil, pepper). It can also be used as a pomade.

Dr Maroon said...

Savannah, dahling, 1000 apologies.
You are our Southern Belle bar none. A weak attempt at levity, my sarcasm knows no bounds. Bet you are a bloody good shot though. I knew it!
I bet you can knock the flag off a mailbox at 200 feet. Of course you can, all Americans can.

Ninetyninewords, good fellow, excuse the temporary humbleness of my table I beg you, but you see, the Emva is the house red…and the house white… and the aperitif…and the digestif…and the…

Dr Maroon said...

Clarissa!
I am much derange, oui, derange; absolument!.
How can you hand out the formula for our special drink to all and sundry as if they were your peerless canapés? Surely you must remember how drunk your friend Vita Brevis had to be before relinquishing her wonderful recipe?
Words fail me.
It was a bloody good night though, wasn’t it?
Remember how I showed her how to improve her cueing action over the billiard table? God she was a natural.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Digested, understood.. and of course it's not meant to be humerous.