That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


T
here is no oil for the lamps.

“What is truth?” said Pilate; and then, like me, he pissed off quick for fear he got an answer. Well, I shall just tell you: Truth is a very grey area; very, very grey.
I mention Pilate because oftentimes at Cambridge, I would dream of the Roman goddess Levana and wonder when her bestowed gifts would kick in. It was my Jesuit schooling impinging you see. I am positive it would have totally buggered up a lesser man. Made him shifty and withdrawn perhaps. Not me. You see, by then I had developed a strategy to cope:drugs and cunning.
My panacea, my φαρμακον νηπενθες, * was and is, strong drink and the Jesuits taught me the cunning.
The upshot is, that by my clever deployment of what might be called "turning the cat in the pan", certain things have come to light; it turns out that I am not to blame after all for our local difficulties in Araby and am to be sent back like Gandalf the White, to finish off what weak men could only begin. I am sent back out to Saudi, v soon. Can’t wait. Before you know it, I’ll be in the compound rumpus room playing Islamic bingo.

We have a local bingo caller, (works for Mecca).

“Right guys and guys, eyes cast down for a full house…

Eye for an eye…number one,
Clicketty click…car-bomb timer,
All the ones…nine-eleven
Number eight…old enough
Seven and six…seventysix, strokes of the lash, was she worth it?
Four-oh…virgins in paradise
Number ten…British pig dog Satan
Number nine…Mullah’s orders
Eighty eight…two fat ladies, how can you tell?
Six and nine...sixty-nine…oral sex
Top of the house...ninety-nine...beard of the Prophet…”





* “drug banishing sorrow” pronounced pharmacon nehpenthes.





59 comments:

Jimmy Bastard said...

You got away with it then, you lucky wee bastart!

Dr Maroon said...

Jimmy, if you sit by the Clyde long enough, you will see all the knob-ends float by. Here, have a half. Cheers.

Eryl Shields said...

What a rollercoaster life you lead Doc. I've never played bingo, you make it sound much more interesting than I imagined it could be.

savannah said...

back to the kingdom, sugar? i'll send you a list of people you should meet! ;~D xoxox

PI said...

Redemption and deliverance. How sweet is that?

inkspot said...

There's a small but sinister black squiggly thing amongst those dunes. Is this post going to turn out like MR James' The Mezzotint? Are you going to turn out like MR James?

Jimmy Bastard said...

Doc, there is a cure to stop them floating I can let you have.

Dr Maroon said...

Oh Inky; Uncle Monty! Wouldn’t it just be fantastic? You are very clever; he is exactly who I would choose to turn out like. (Though I would bring a heterosexual charisma to the role.) Alas, the age of such a possibility has passed, and right enough, I am too thick and dull but it’s a wonderful fantasy. Little bit of supervisin’, congenial scholarly drinks after lunch, afternoon nap, bit of letter writing and such then sweep off to Hall. You will notice in my version that all works, scholarly or good, have been removed. No point in spoiling the thing with application is there?

Dr Maroon said...

Sorry everyone, Inkspot transported me for a second. Where the Devil were we? Yes,

Eryl, never played bingo? I am resisting that wonderful feed and will not mention tumbling balls and others too coarse to mention. That's the kinda guy am ur.

Savannah, please do. Are they close friends? Are they like us? Do they drink? I wouldn't want to disgrace you. xoxoxoo

Pat it is as sweet as gall and ashes, but what the hey, I can live with it.

Jimmy does it involve eating more roughage; because I'm up to here with bran actually?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Maroon, I am heartened to see that they have laid on some leisure time for you. However, have a care: do not volunteer for board games such as Mullahopoly or Suhurs & Ladders - there are no winners, believe me. Also, avoid Operation at all costs. Guess Who? is a waste of time, for obvious reasons, and if anyone deals you in for Beat Your Neighbour, plead ignorance of the rules and blow the dust off your Ker-Plunk.

Dr Maroon said...

It's awful Clarissa, we cannot play Airline "The Game Of The Jet Age" because the pieces are hi-jacked and my playing cards "Royal Flushes (54 Art Studies)" were consfiscated at Jeddah. I miss the six of clubs most; she had a lovely twinkle in her eye. Even Corral is frowned upon because of it's Guantanamo overtones. Can't bloody win out here. It's Belisha or nothing for us.

Dr Maroon said...

That's right, consfiscated. It's a Muslem form of confiscation. It's very taboo, we are not meant to talk about it. Religious police.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Consfiscted is ok, but I'm not sure about it's.

Dr Maroon said...

At Guantanamo! You see, that's why we're told to be careful with its slovenly usage. It's habitual. Sorry.

Mrs Pouncer said...

And did you see that I actually wrote "consfiscted". I hope I am not going blind.

Dr Maroon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Maroon said...

http://www.oldclassiccar.co.uk/belisha.htm

If you are interested anyone, a topping game for all the family.

Dr Maroon said...

Blogger's gone nut flake! I told you we're not meant to talk about consfiscation.

My link keeps crashing (not the sossidge one). Are they on to me?

Dave King said...

Loved this post - this blog, come to that - fresh and original.

Dr Maroon said...

You are too kind, Dave King, poet.
I too am a poet and I have tried my best with this lot but least said.
Here, you better have a drink, (not sure where the next one's coming from). Whisky all right? Yeah, we're of an age aren't we? Sante!

Mrs Pouncer said...

I want to know, and urgently, how Dave King, who seems a cultured, talented man, and from Surrey, arrived at this begrimed place? Dave, please speak: which tortuous path brought you writhing to this Gehenna? Maroon, as you say, may be original, but he is rarely fresh. Le mot juste in Maroon's case would be "preserved"; yes, preserved, as in iced, pickled, marinated, salted, canned, bottled, tinned, cured, smoked, dehydrated, blast-frozen and stuffed. Creosoted. Am I wrong, Achilles?

Dr Maroon said...

Clarissa, no, you are never wrong. You missed out soused and I am grateful for that
And "well lubricated" also.

Be quiet, ruffians !

Honi soit qui mal y pense !

inkspot said...

Of course you'd bring a het charisma to the role Maroon. However, whatever the starting point, the ineluctible terminus of the career you describe is a desperate unconsummated pederasty.

inkspot said...

I am an ignorant aunt, that was ineluctable of course.

Piss piss piss.

Dr Maroon said...

I agree, it is ineluctable that you are an ignorant aunt. There's no way it would be unconsummated.

Dr Maroon said...

Christ Inky you may be right. If you enlarge the picture, the little squiggle has left a trail of little sinister footprints.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Do you think oral sex is forbidden among the Mohammedans, Dr? I think you need to do more research on that one. And it's number 9 that's old enough, look up the age at which Aisha was deflowered.

Kevin Musgrove said...

ανααστασος

well done lad, shifty is always a sensible option

Mrs Pouncer said...

Well good evening, one and al,and can I SAY I am in from a heavy one, but I see I have to take on a great theological whatever and here it is. Maroon hyou hAVE hidden yr religous light under a bujshel and may God damn you for that, but anyway I dash to yur defence as ever. Mr Gorilla Bananas, old friend, yhou may be right, who knows? Who cares? The point is that oral sex is not forbidden by anybodyl and Maroon, who knows his Torah, for fucksake snd knows taht it says: it is a sign of piety (piety!) to sanctify oneself during intercourse and that a man should not depart from the swiftest way (mishnah Torah Issurei Biah 21:9). Dunno about the muslims.

Dr Maroon said...

My Cott Clarissa, I wouldn't say but you're Rirght!
As always, nail, hammer, on the head. The shortest distance between two points etc. etc. Of course you are right!
G.B. oldest of friends, I can only assume he is cross because they don't have bingo in Africa, let alone oral sex. Who knows the mysteries of the Mother Continent? If it don't happen in his hareem, he don't wanna know innit. Whah-ever.

Dr Maroon said...

My Cott Clarissa, I wouldn't say but you're Rirght!
As always, nail, hammer, on the head. The shortest distance between two points etc. etc. Of course you are right!
G.B. oldest of friends, I can only assume he is cross because they don't have bingo in Africa, let alone oral sex. Who knows the mysteries of the Mother Continent? If it don't happen in his hareem, he don't wanna know innit. Whah-ever.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't know whether oral sex if forbidden or not, Dr, I was just asking you to look into it. But I do know that number 9 was old enough for the prophet of Islam. I love the way Mrs Pouncer leaped to you defence, she's a good one, better make an honest women of her.

Sarah said...

it's a conspiracy, your shattered selves will come back and crucify you.

take heart Maroon. i would offer you mine, but it barely beats as it is.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Sorry. Completely pissed. Do forgive, or delete.

Dr Maroon said...

Sarah my shattered self is already out there, somewhere, wandering the dessert trolleys seeking what he may devour. Crux, cruciatis? Piece of piss mate. In fact, I may post on just such a subject after my medical.

Anastasos, Kev? You are right! But shifty is, as shifty does, son think on.


No Mr G.B.! Number nine (The Brigh'on Line) is Mullah's Orders! as in Doctor's Orders, No9, jollop!
God, it's hard enough without these Korannic complications.

"Eyes down for a full 'ouse..

Justin said...

Spending time in the Magical Kingdom, huh?
Well it just so happens... oh fuck it.

godson said...

really appriciatable

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