That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Can’t seem to face up to the facts…

Dr M’s Jokes that always misfire.
An occasional series.
No1 “stout yeomen of the bar”
No2 “Poles to Warsaw”
No3 “why thank you, I’ll have a brandy if it’s all the same”
No4 “ginger with your melon”
No5 ”Yep! That’s wine!”

Let’s start with No4. Only Binty McShae will get this.
Scene 1 : Restaurant in Glasgow’s West End. It is summer (July 14 - 17 inclusive) we therefore find the group enjoying their “melon boats” for starters.
Waitress: "Would you like ginger with your melon? "
Dr Maroon: "No, I think we’ll be OK with the wine thanks."

Scene 2 : Front Bar anywhere in rural Scotland. Start of busy night for underpaid bar staff. Enter three or more thirsty worthies.
Barkeep : "Evening gents, what would you like to drink?"
Maroon (feigning pleasant surprise) : "That’s very kind of you, I’ll have a brandy thanks very much."

You see the pattern? I’ve lost the will to live but…must….keep……

THE MOST ESOTERIC (Wankiest) JOKE IN THE WORLD (Flying to Warsaw)
This “joke” was told to me by a very intense young man with no friends who took some of us for control theory tutorials which were extra anyway and as much fun as a wire coat hanger up the ass. Charismatic visiting professors make use of the odd joke. Only they can carry it off.
I can’t remember his name, he wore no natural fibres and cut his own hair with a hatchet and wasn’t that much older than us but he was clever. He was clever, thinking back, to the point of disability. WE were clever, but fuck, we were Neanderthals by comparison.
Stay with me!
We must ignore the maths (even though my heroes are involved) and hold in our minds the simple fact, that when the “poles” are found, their position on the Z-plane, determines the stability of the function (hence system) under examination. Please for the love of God stay with me!
The Joke Proper.

Anyway, he clears his throat,
“Why…mmm…why is it dangerous?…snigger…to fly to Warsaw...snort…snicker?”
He can hardly control himself [sic], he’s already at the punch line the fucker!
Oh good, a joke! We are enthusiastic,
“Because it’s a shithole?”
“Because there’s no airport?”
“Because it’s full of gypsies?”
shakes his head in triumph,
“Because the POLES are on the LEFT-HAND-SIDE of the PLANE!” (his emphasis)
Part of me died that day. It’s the price we have to pay for our vocation I guess.

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