GOTHIC

A tale of mystery and suspense from the casebook of Doctor Maroon

Not long past, on just an afternoon as this, having dined too well at Simpsons, and with a horror of my club, (and indeed all the mountebanks of the St James’ set), or because an east wind had brought with it, a salt tang up the River, rather than return to my desk, I stepped smartly into that endless current of humanity that runs through our great city, with the intention of seeing whither the tide would take me.

I had been an hour adrift in the Metropolis in this way, when I came to rest like flotsam, outside the door of my old friend Mr Gorilla Bananas, the celebrated investigator.

Looking back, after all the subsequent events, I often wonder what part a malign Fate played, in bringing me that day, to 221 Baker Street. Was there even then, a premonition, a hesitation on my part, as I pulled the bell next to his nameplate?

The agreeable scene into which I stepped, the routine domesticity of two bachelors sharing comfortable rooms, dispelled such notions, however vague.
I found him loafing by a cheerful fire in his overstuffed wingbacked chair, his hands behind his head, reading pages from The Illustrated London News, which he turned with his feet. He had dressed as usual, in his red smoking hat with the hanging tassel and a dressing gown of the finest silk, now fallen open in a most unflattering manner.

Mrs Hudson was clearing the table of a late repast while Ayres sat at his little bureau, bent over some complicated apparatus.

“I do wish you’d cover yourself Bananas, especially when Mrs Hudson’s present.” said Ayres as she closed the door.

Taking seat, I asked after my friend’s young ward in Africa.

“How is the boy then? When did you hear from him last?”

Looking at the lithograph of Tarzan on the mantle, as if to remind himself, he replied:
“He’s very well thank you. He writes when he can, but he’s so busy these days, what with the elephants’ graveyard, diamond mines, lost cities. It’s a lot of responsibility, I‘m very proud, we all are. He doesn’t have the time. And there’s Jane and the chimps now, as well…”
Bananas trailed off, his rolling bass tinged with a disappointment, however slight.

“Blast this thing!”
“Still not working Ayres?”
“No, and if it doesn’t soon, it shall feel my boot!”

Ayres and I had been up together, both Trinity men, but had drifted since.
He with his bits of wires and electric fluids, me to study for the Civil Service Examination. There was also a trivial matter of a missed luncheon appointment. He’d accepted at the time, that the King of Spain should take precedence over lunch, yet it lay between us still.
I wandered over to lend assistance.

“Can I help?”

He looked at me with the look that the expert reserves for the layman.

“Look Maroon this is very sensitive equipment, I doubt if you’ve even seen one before.”
“Yes I have, The Office has one. Tickertape. All the news from the Empire.”
“Not like this one. This is the latest. Bluetooth!”
“Perhaps“, I continued “if you were to throw this switch, wait a few moments, then…”
“You don’t understand Maroon, data might be lost it‘s not as simple as that…”
“Will we try it anyway?”

Without waiting for his answer, I broke the circuit, counted to three and reapplied the voltage.
In an instant, his coloured lamps lit up, a brass bell rang and the paper tape started issuing from a slot designed solely for that purpose.

“That was pure luck Maroon, you could just as easily have ruined everything.” he said petulantly.
He’d won a half blue for cooking and a black belt in teriyaki if I remembered right.

Tearing it from the machine, Ayres passed the tape to Bananas saying:

“It’s the confirmation from Barbudo we’ve been waiting for, G.B.”
Intrigued, I had to ask,

“May I see?”

In silent thought now, the great Ape passed me the message, no bigger than an omnibus ticket. The tape read simply:

“CUNT LB“

“I say Bananas, that’s a bit thick!” I exclaimed
“No, you misunderstand Maroon. It’s thruppence a word so we have to abbreviate! ‘Texting’ it’s called. The full message actually reads;”

“See You Next Tuesday…EL Barbudo.”

“Why, according to the date on this then, that means the day after tomorrow!” I expostulated.
“Yes indeed” said the Ape, concern flitting across his countenance, “you’ll stay and take tea with us Maroon?”
“I’m sure Maroon has many things to do, Bananas” suggested Ayres hopefully.
“No,” I replied, “apart from a minor Afghan uprising, and some trouble in Persia, I’m quite free thanks.”
“That settles it then. Ayres, ring for Mrs Hudson!”
“Look I‘m busy with this Bananas! Besides, you’re nearest to it.”

With a sly wink in my direction, the remarkable detective reached out with a foot and gave the bell-pull a tug.

The Meme of Hell

Sorry folks but here it is.

Tagged by Manuel Estimulo and our own Big Beardy.

7 fillums

Ghostbusters
The Odd Couple
Jaws
The Big Lebowski
Moby Dick
Gladiator
Conan the Barbarian


7 books

The Catcher in the Rye
Catch 22
Raise High the Roof Beam Carpenters
Slaughterhouse 5
Bored of the Rings
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Dress Your Children in Corduroy

7 attractive city things

Empire State Building
Grand Central Station
Metropolitan Museum of Art
Shakespeare on the Green
Little Italy
Skyscrapers
The Bowery

7 things to do before I die

Buy a boat
Buy a plane
Buy a house in Provence
Buy a house in Manhattan
Buy a house in Namibia
Buy a second plane
Buy a bigger boat

7 things I cannot do

Sail a boat
Drink
Listen to the Archers
Watch television
Listen to Jim Naughty or John Humphries
Or Fergal Keane
Or Sue Lawley

7 things I say

Make it a double
Sorry
For the love of Christ!
It’s your round
I cant find my wallet
Look! A lesser crested grebe!
You said you had the passports.

7 to tag

The SafeTinspector
Fatmammycat
Sexy Beauty
Justin Barker
Mynah Bird
Kim Ayres
justbreathe28

Sunday Update.

Nice telegram from Milo O’Shea, wishing us well. I am actually old enough to have seen him tread the boards at the Ambassadors Theatre in Dublin ! (I was young at the time). I think both the Ambassadors and Milo are gone now. Sic transit.

The Links on the right have only been shifted a bit to sandwich the buttons between El B and Kim. They all used to be arranged geographically, but I think that’s gone to shit now.

The Beggars Opera

Grand Finale

Friends all, look, the cast are assembled on our stage, the final push, the tying of the knots, the last arias, we might whistle them on our way home. The fog’s lifting too.

Jogging on his way from the scene, Barney runs slap bang into Mally still standing by the open door of his van. The poor lad’s glass jaw stopping Barney’s fist before he knew it. He drops, out cold before he hits the floor

“Is he all right sergeant?” Asks a passing councillor on his way to a meeting with the Commissioner.
“Oh yes, Officer Mally here’s just had a bit too much. Can’t hold the liquor, see he’s pissed himself as well. I better get him back to the station, there’s a party tonight and he wouldn’t want to miss it.”
And with that, Barney heaves him over his shoulder and into the van


In Ryan’s bar our knights and their squires are busy moving the furniture.
For now as they look, the outline of a trap door is revealed, its edges fast with years of grime and spilled beer.

“What does it look like, this Guinness Grail?”
“A tricorn. The three horn-ed helmet of the Pasha of Valencia, captured in Moorish times. Like a Viking’s, but with an extra cow horn sticking out the front.”
“A hat? A tin hat with horns?”
“Yes, used upturned like a cauldron to brew the first ever Guinness Stout! And as a drinking vessel to be passed round many comrades in times of jubilation after bold deed and victory in combat against a fearsome foe…”
“No shit.”
“Its stuck! The fucking thing’s stuck.”
“Try this” says the stranger (who has watched and listened all the long night), passing over a bottle of black liquid.
Gorilla Bananas turns the 12 inch shore battery of his gaze on the newcomer.
“I was wondering when you’d join us, Eater of the Foot, Clearer of the Path.”
“He’s been looking at my neck all night.”
“Fuckbag!”
“No I wasn’t and its Foot Eater actually. Look be careful with that stuff, its corrosive, there’s Pepsi Max in it.”
“Yes you were, you were sitting over there. Staring at it all night.”

The liquid fizzles round the trapdoor’s rim, dissolving the grime.
With a creak the door gives way.
“Bring light!!”



“Cut the lights! That’s a wrap. We’ve got enough here I think to keep us going.”
Back in the house the girls have finished with their porn star for the evening and have some very tasteful shots of the drugged up sergeant "blowing his whistle", "polishing his truncheon" etc etc.
“Now where’s Barney?”
“That sounds like him now.”
“Did we go too far with that rats head d’yi think?”
“Nah”
They both start laughing.


Back at Ryan's,
Watching the antics, Ryan wonders why they want to go down the old coal hatch? No ones been down there these past five years since we put in the gas.

“Can you see anything Ayres?”
“Yes I think. No…Wait a minute…no………what’s this…I can feel something…No…yeuch!…Jesus what WAS that?…Klank!…My God it’s here! Bananas!…I’ve got it!”
Through a storm of cheers and backslaps, back out he comes, emerging, blinking like a miner, in his trembling hands, the Guinness Grail!
Now what do they want with that old coal scuttle? thinks Ryan


Back at the house,
The two semi concious policement have been bundled into the police van as they are coming round.Barney drives the van onto his neighbour's new seeded lawn, does a handbrake turn or two on it and then turns on the blue light and siren before trotting over to the girls waiting in the backup vehicle. But not before he pours the bottle of Jagermeister over the two naked men in the back, struggling with their dazed confusion...and the bondage straps...and the handcuffs...

“Sergeant, how did we get here? Like this?”
“Wha’? CRACK…Oh god!…don’t move…Me neck!…Wait…Mally is that you?”
“Yes sergeant”
“Well would you mind taking your dick out my fucking ear?”

Back at Ryan's, Barney raps the bar (they've just arrived you see)
“Three Jagermeisters! doubles! we’re celebratin’ and looks like were not the only ones. Lively crowd in the corner tonight Ryan.”
Ryan looks over.
Holding two beer mugs to his chest like a glass bra, and with the horned helmet stuck on his head, Ayres is on the table singing:
“One black one,
One white one…….”
Ryan’s patience already razor thin, snaps. Throwing down his towel he storms over.

“… And the hair on her Dickey Di-do, went down to…”

“Right. That is IT ! The show’s over!”

A punne, The show's not over 'til the.....

Act Three
In which Barney has his revenge.

By the time Barney had finished in Major Toms, a drinking establishment under the Stephen's Green- a shit hole of hairdressers, desparate women, married suits and culchies tanking up before they collected their reeking laundry bags and headed for Heuston Station- there was hardly a dry or unoffended eye in the place.
Such was his imperious wrath and scurrilous venom as he cut a swath through the drunken Friday crowd, that two boys-who Barney proclaimed loudly looked exactly like serial rapists he had arrested the year before- tearfully admitted that they were gay, and no- when Barney demanded their license- they hadn't known that the law required them to be 'card carrying' queers.
Tits were groped, objections dampened with some non-too gentle taps from his baton, but all holy war really broke out when at one table, three rejects from the Clearasil Club tittered nervously at Barney's actions The dumbfounded friends didn't know where to look when Barney, grabbing the nearest one by his threadbare locks, dragged the unfortunate youth to the bar, bellowing at a bar man to check him for ID.
'Give him your wallet!' Barney roared.'
I'm not giving him nuthin'' The younth squealed, clearly hoping that might be his get out of jail free card.
'Right!'
Barney grabbed the youth by the back of his giant pants and flipped him upside down. Coins, a mobile and a wallet tumbled out. Two tables nearest the door emptied silently as he did this.
The terrified Polish barman, who was on his first night and hoped the terrible man didn't turn him upside too, opened the faux leather wallet and with shaking hands passed it to Barney. Still dangling the youth by one ankle, Barney flicked open the wallet and beamed when a library card revealed the youth to be somewhat shy of eighteen by some months.
"Right ya bollix ya.' Barney dropped the youth and turned majestically to the remaining all and sundry. 'This shit hole is shut down! Gerrout the lot of ya before I start taking names!'

At this stage the manager-who previously had been below the deck, hovering on the cellar stairs, popped up like a meercat through the floor.
'Excuse me? Garda-'
'It's Sergeant ya fuck ya, Sergeant O'Shea.' Barney tapped the number on his shoulder crest and bristled with genuine menace.
'Sergeant then, I'm the manager here and I-'
'Oh are you now.' Barney flipped up the hatch and limped behind the bar.

'So ya know yiz are selling drink to minors. Do yiz know what happens to little fucks like that when they drink? He'll get drunk, fight with some other dumb cunt and then bleed, puke, fall down, be brought to James by one of our lot, take up a trolley, then a bed and then people like my mother won't be able to get a bed when she goes in next week about her siatica! You ya cunt ya, are stopping my mother-who is a fucking saint- you are preventing her from a bed!'
'I-' the manager blinked. He looked about him for support and was amazed to see the other barstaff had somehow managed to vanish-
'I'm very sorry.'
'I'm shutting yiz down.'
The manager swallowed. 'But-can you do that? It's Friday night, surely there's-
'Are ya challenging me? First you fuck with my mother, now you're fucking with me? is that what yer doing?'
'No! I just,' he came up another two steps, he was knee level to Barney now. 'I-look why don't we sit down and discuss this, can I get you a drink.'
'A Bribe!'
Barney pulled the hat so far down over his eyes the peak almost tipped his nose.
'No no, not a bribe.'
'Tryin' to bribe a Garda! ' Barney tired to crack his neck, but failed. 'You're a fucking piece of work! Selling to children, fucking with old ladies and now you're trying to bribe a member of the Gardai, do you know what happened to the last cunt that tried to bribe Sergeant O'Shea of Store Street garda station?'
The manager was beginning to wish he had stayed down stairs in the dark with his porno mag.
'DO YOU KNOW?' Barney bellowed. Twenty tables emptied behind him.
'NO.'
Barney leaned down, he lifted one spit shined brogue and pressed it deftly against the manager's chest. He smiled.
'Sergeant O'Shea, put him back in his place. Oh yes, begob he did!'
And with that he shoved the little man back down the Stira Stairs(as seen on the Late Late Show!)
Barney closed the trap door on the shrieks of pain and dusted his hands.
'Right, anyone else want to break the law?' he roared in his best Judge Dread voice.
Although he soon realized he needn't have bothered.Major Tom's was as deserted as Samantha Mumba's fanclub.
Barney checked his watch, the first of the outraged calls would be starting soon.Time to get the rat in the hat.Grabbing a bottle of jagermeister from the top shelf, Barney hurried for the door. In the distance the sirens were already howling.

Act Three (home straight)

Binty’s momentum carries him to the table, now strewn with Lindy’s books.
Gorilla Bananas is quickly at his side. Pulling off the foam hand, stuffing it behind a seat, undoing the flag, he tosses it under the table out of view.

“Never mind by what road you came," says the kindly Ape, “you’re here now. Sit and give us your opinion. Any sign yet Ayres?”
“The book isn’t here.”
“I was in a hurry I grabbed them on the way out…”
“No Lindy, nothing wrong in your choice. And these are all you have? What about you Andraste? Got a book on you?”
“Only this one, ‘The Joys of Olde Dublin Town’”
“What cunt wrote it!?”
“Steady Barbudo, give her a chance.”
“Oh, em, let’s see,.. Dr Edward Ville PhD…”
“The Necromancer! E Ville himself!”
“Check the page Ayres! Quick man!
“Alright alright…who died and made you fucking king?…If it wasn’t for me…page seven…I cracked the code…me…on my own…here we are…”
... ... ...
“For fuh…read it OUT! Fuck. Cunt. Bastard. Pants of piss. Oops sorry.”
“Easy there, EL B old friend.”

“…a fine night to be had by all at RYAN’S BAR. Three stars.
Ales wines spirits Trad music at weekends. X marks the spot.”

“X marks the spot..!..?..!”
“Three fucking stars? This place? No way.”
“There it IS” points Binty, to the union jack under the table, its two crosses lying spread out now.
“Right everyone, help me shift all this out the way. Clear the floor!”
“Jesus wept..” mutters Ryan polishing his tumblers, trying to ignore them.


“Is he out?”
“Like a fucking light. Listen to the snores of him.”
“Right. Set up the camera, and get the bondage stuff on him. I’m taking Barney for Phase Two. All right on your own with him for a minute?”
“Oh yes. This old shitehawk’s goin’ nowhere.”

'Where the fuck are we going?'

Barney asked, gripping the dashboard with both hands and wishing to Christ he hadn't cancelled his life insurance so hastily even though the doctors had promised the statistical chance of his being hit by lightening again was lower than his chance of dating Cameron Diaz.

"National concert hall!' Fatmammycat - high-heeled foot to the floor- spun the steering wheel and the van took the corner on two wheels.

Barney's life flashed before his eyes...there it was: pint, pint, pint, cup of tea, bacon'n chip butty, pint, racing papers, pint....woosh.

Moments later they shot up a narrow lane and into the back loading area of the NCH. Fatmammycat cut the engine and knocked on her beams.

'Voila.'

Barney saw in the sudden flood of light a six-foot rat. It appeared to be wearing jeans and pointy boots, as it stood, nonchalantly smoking a cigarette by the kitchen door.
Barney blinked- fucking Jagermeister, he'd never touch it again. When he opened his eyes he saw that the giant rat was waving at them.Perhaps he should drink more Jagermeister then.

'That's him. You wait here.'
'No doubt about it.'

Fatmammycat slipped from the driver's side and tippity-tapped her way across the tarmac to the giant rat that was now removing its head. Barney was thankful to see another head appear underneath, this one firmly male, if you looked past the eyeliner and the earrings.
There was some elaborate kissing, a rapid huddled conversation and then more kissing, seconds later Fatmammycat back in the van, only this time carrying the giant rat head.

'Holy Mother of the sacred heart!'
'It's perfect isn't it.'
'Perfect, it had me fooled. Who's yer man?'
"One of the gays. He was an extra in Cinderella.'
'They had rats in Cinderella?'
Fatmammycat raised one eyebrow, 'Not that I know of.'

Barney sighed.

'Okay, ' Fatmammycat tossed the rat head in the back.
'Now, you know what to do, keep the peak down low, and make sure you throw your weight about. Lots of, 'do you know who I am, kinda stuff.'

Barney held up his hand.

'Stall the ball there cat, you might know lots of shit about shoes, but I know how to cause a fucking ruckus!'

Fatmammycat inclined her head. 'My apologies.' Barney straightened his cuffs and slid the cap atop his head.

'How do I look.'
'Like TJ Hooker, without the girdle.'
'Fuck off cat.'

She winked and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Moments later the van screeched out the yard and Barney was plunged back into darkness.
'It's show time,' he said, and he set off towards town, altering his natural stride to that of a man with painful gout.

Act Three
Programme note: This final Act in all its parts, a joint venture with Fatmammycat. (soprano)

Every opera has its visit to the Gods and we are no exception, but don’t be afraid, these are only northern pagan ones who live on mountain tops, not the real One. Quick, there’s a funicular about to leave for the summit now, hop on, no climbing for us.

On the Cairngorm peak of Ben MacDhui, the god of long term structured maintenance agreements is sitting on a granite boulder, pondering his next move on an invisible chess board. At his shoulder, a sly black Mynah Bird is perched on a cairn, seeing all. The god has chosen for his manifestation, the full “Rob Roy” similar to one which mysteriously vaporised in front of witnesses, in an Inverness outfitters that very morning.

He feels her even as she steps from her island to his.
Leaning to have a look at the board, jewelled hand on his shoulder, her warm breath brushes his ear and bits of her press against him.

The Mynah Bird shifts its weight.

She stands defiant to the wind, decked in the garb of her own land, the waistcoat and the green, and a sash of her dancing medals that she couldn’t resist.
But as she is the goddess of seduction, ankles, and gay barmen, she’d look good in a flour sack.

“Morning Milady. Look I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“And the same, Lord Ack. Narrative thread all right? Wish I wouldn‘t do what? Is it me or is it a bit bleak round here?”

“I like it bleak. Anyway to get back to the point. Thank you for coming, I thought this far into the project an informal progress meeting might be…”

“You worry too much, it’s going fine. What’s the bird?”

“Acting secretary, I thought maybe, minutes of the meeting? No?…”

The Mynah Bird ruffles.

Ignoring the bird she walks round the summit taking in the vast white wilderness to far horizon as she continues;

“You know what it needs? More sex! Something for all the poor Joes in the cheap seats. Something warm for their vitals..”

“Yes I agree. Let me make a note…”

“A bit more raunch! A bit more blood and guts, earthy, lusty, sexy…”

She stops and looks around. In her animation she has struck the attitude of an orator of old, and now on the hilltop, hair blowing, colour in her cheeks, Lord Ack stares dumbfounded.

“What?” she asks

With a hefty swipe, he sends the Mynah Bird flying from his perch in a black flurry.

“That will be all thank you.”

As he looks at the Lady of Seduction, his sporran starts rattling in his lap.


Come friends leave them to their devilment, and take thanks that such as Kentigern and Ninian and Columba delivered us from these. Back to the house! Quick! Don’t look round!

'So then I said to him, 'listen you culchie fuck ya, don't you come the...'

Sexy Beauty checked her watch and suppressed the urge to whoop.
It was time-thankfully, for she did not know how much longer she could have withstood-the overwhelming urge to snap O'Shea's grubby wrinkly neck like the dirty old ferret he was.
Every time she leaned across to massage his shoulders his hand 'casually' slipped off the bench and somehow mysteriously managed to brush her fanny every single time. The first eight times he did this she had moved out of range, the last four she had dug her elbow so hard into his spine the old fuck had whimpered and withdrawn it himself.

'Oh Sergeant,' Sexy Beauty said a little breathlessly, 'your poor neck is in a terrible state, I really feel we need to bring out the big guns here.'
'What's that?'
'Have you ever tried acupuncture?'
'All them ould needles and shite? Nah, I don't believe in that ould nonsense.'

His hand dropped off the table and tangled hopefully with the hem of her stockings.Sexy Beauty pretended not to notice.

'Oh, I'm surprised to hear you say that. I was just saying to the commissioner that it-'
'The commissioner?'
'Oh yes, he swears by it. Says most forward thinking people are not afraid to embrace other customs.'
'Does he now?'

O'Shea was thinking the last time he'd spotted Commissioner Byrne the only thing the old fuck had been embracing was Dymphna Moran's left tit. But that had been at the Christmas Party in August, and what happened in the Garda Club stayed in the Garda Club, it was the law, the actual law. Old Commissioner Shaw had it written up back in the day after Sally Gowen had ripped his toupee clean off his old bonce during a bout of unbridled passion over the billiards table.
And when police dog Harvey had died from ingesting said item, the resulting newspaper headline

'Vicious Hair kills Dog-'

was the subject of much snickering until Shaw had retired and moved to County Clare.

'It won't hurt, I assure you, you'll feel like a new man after. The commissioner swears by it.'
'Really?'
'Oh yes Sergeant. The commissioner says he feels like a stallion after his session.'
'Does he, begod!'
'A rampant stallion.'
'I'll do it so! Bring on the needles!'

Sexy Beauty rolled her eyes. She slipped her hand into the front pocket of her coat and pulled out the syringe Fatmammycat had been so thoughtful to provide earlier.

'Now, Sergeant, try to relax, You'll probably feel a little prick. But I'm sure it's not the first time you've felt one of those now is it?'
'What's that?'

O Shea lifted his head, while simultaneously grabbing a mound of Sexy Beauty's arse.
With more force than was necessary, Sexy slammed the syringe with a vengeance into the Sergeant's flabby buttock.

Second intermission.
Please read the previous post first.
(Still Act Two Still)

Did you see the way he had to go back and put in that bit he didn’t copy over properly? No I missed it. Well if you read it again you’ll see. The bit about the prophesy near the bottom. Oh I see it. Yes the film was funnier.



“…is the bar shut?
Can’t be
1800 people in here and they shut the bar?
What about a sponsor’s miniature?
They’ve fucked off too
Can you not go an hour without a drink?
I’m just sayin’ wait a minute.. him over there…hang on…excuse me, where did you get the lager?…….
Right come on, follow me, he says the wee bar’s open up the top, we’ve plenty time...”

Still Act Two Still

Follow me, stay close, as we fly from our roost, over hedges and ditches, above the foggy treetops, past spires and roofs, stacked steeple high, with phone aerials and eyeless satellite dishes, blindly searching for the false god of Sky.
Not us, friends! In the murk a space, parted by Divine Hand and in that space a light. Like true sparrows in fog, we follow the beam, straight down through Ryan’s open window. To alight near the table of our five questing friends, let’s see how it goes with their search, for the fabled Guinness Grail!

“The what?”
“The Guinness Grail!
“Haven’t you been listening to all we’ve said?”
“It’s a lot to take in, go back to the bit about the naked man in the museum.”
“Museum? pshaw, fleabag clip joint more like. £7.50 for what? Two or three old pot stills and a tea-towel of Loch Lomond in the gift shop? That‘s not a museum.”
“Yeah yeah, THE MAN?”
“We found him spread-eagled naked on the floor, walked in and there he was.”
“In a pentagram?”
“No”
“With odd symbols on the floor?”
“No”
“Some writing, in blood even?”
“No”
“An anagram maybe?”
“No, I said there wasn’t...”
“That was pentagram, an anagram is a word…”
“No pentagram, anagram, nor telegram neither, nothing. Just him.”
“Dead?”
“No, completely pie-eyed, and I mean totalled. Fuck was he shitfaced!”
“Well who was he in the name of Christ?”
“He was Harry Hutton of our order, but one failed in his Quest. We you see, are sworn to abstinence for the duration of The Search, it‘s a state of grace. He failed.
He Fell.”
“Yeah, off the wagon! Big time! The cunt!” El Barbudo remarks
“Order? Quests? You talk as if you’re knights or something.”
“These two are, that’s why they can’t drink. EL Barbudo as in EL Cid see? And Ayres here is actually Sir Kim, a Knight Of the Round…
“Never mind that now,” says Ayres quite testy, “Tell them what he gave us.”
“Ah yes, before he passed out, he gave us this, the Guinness Code, Ayres decoded it last night…”


Even still, the buckled cogs and wheels of Mally’s mind turn on their crooked spindles, grinding slow now, for want of Love’s kind oil.
He thinks:
I can’t touch him, that’s for sure, for I took an Oath (a perverted corruption of the word) but I know a mob who can. That shower of shite at Ryan’s Bar would eat him alive. They’re mad daft on the hurling and the football and the fightin’ Sure they’ve got Flynn O’Toole’s hurley, Jimmy Johnstone’s jersey, Jack Charlton’s fishin’ rod, all stuck up on the wall. Why even big Roy himself… Mally
remembers the day Roy Keane stopped in for one.

“Have yi change of a hunder?” Said Keano that day, waving the big red note like a flag and him grinnin’ the big man to all and sundry in the bar.
“I’m sorry Mr Keane, I have not,” says Ryan, snatching it from his grip, “I’ll have ti owe yi!” And promptly nailed it to the wall.

Losing a hubcap to the kerb, Mally returns to his steering wheel and changes up to third. I’ll put this fecker on the wrong bus yet!

“Di yi follow the football at all?”
“Oh Aye Rangers daft me.” (a soccer team of the Scottish Presbyterian tradition)
“I have just the place for you then, the only such bar in town, and they’re showin’ a re-run of Barcelona, this very night!”
“A Rangers pub? In Dublin? Surely not”
“Oh staunch, staunch, they are, and they’d love nothing better, than to welcome a visitor, a Prodigal son as it were, if you get my meaning.”
“Do you think?”
“I Do. Now, have you a Rangers scarf?”
“Never leave home without it. What’s more, I’ve also got this, and THIS!”
Oh, haha Oh no! Oh this is too good! “HohohahahHAHAHA splutter choke”


Lindy claps her hands in astonished glee
“You said: ‘Two women from the west will come‘, how do you know its us?”
“The prophesy in the Code describes you both. Two shall bear the clue, One with shining heart so true, the other…”
“Yeah, what does it say about me?”
“Never mind, you fit the bill.”
“And what were we supposed to bring”
“The last but one piece of our jigsaw”
“And that is?”
“I rather think it’s one of those books”
"Are there more to come?"
“Yes just two, ‘One to show the way‘, ‘the other to clear the path‘”


Mally loses his grip. There goes another hubcap, for Binty, from his duffle bag has brought out a Union flag the size of a tablecloth and with some grunting, a red foam glove, which released from its tartan prison, has expanded to reveal a huge Red Hand Of Ulster.

“What do you think?”

I think they’ll fuckin kill you! Thinks he.

Outside Ryan’s, Binty has been dressed with Mally his fussing valet for the night. The union jack is draped like a cloak, the red white and blue of his scarf adjusted just so, and the gigantic Red Hand, placed on with the care of the trainer to his young boxing champ. “Remember“, he says, “big entrance!”

Binty kicks in the door.

“Hello! Hello! We are the Billy boys…

Without even looking up from his pouring, Ryan points to the table, “They’re sittin’ over there. Widyi mind shuttin’ the feckin’ the door?”

Outside on the pavement, R. O. Mally has lost his bladder to the flagstones, in white-hot, helpless fury.


End of act two.

Act Two Still
Programme note: The funny bits here provided by Ms Cat. (Soprano)

Come dear friends, part the fog if we may and take for our vantage, the bough of this handy chestnut. Cling tight and we might also feel, through the warm gnarled bark, the majesty of His Design. And keep such close, a wholesome anchor for us, as we witness grim Humanity.

He has the look of the salt-caked mariner, rolling home from a twelve-month round the Horn to Valparaiso (and damn yer eyes in the Dago lingo!), Right down to his boots and his kitbag duffel. Yet we’d be wrong, for earlier this day he arrived by air, stopping here to change his plane. With fogbound hours to kill, he took the chance, to see the Fair City, but now quite lost, he wanders drunk, his dunnage he cares not where. From that tartan duffle low slung over, he pulls another can, drains it, then with a flick, he kicks it toward the van. Old Scotia’s proud ambassador!

'Oh Danny Boy, the pipes-hic-the pipes are callin', from glen to glen, an' down the mountain side...'

Binty, every drunk, every acting, weaved a weavy weave towards the grinning Mally. He salutes a bush, he winks dutifully at a lampost, Mally watches and feels his dander rise.
What's this? The drunken Binty stops, and fumbles for his crotch. A tilt, a groan, is it...Mally can hardly believe his eyes. Is-is he pissing against Dublin's finest bin?
Baile atha Cliath?
Mally bristles, his jaw muscles jump, he hears the bodhran and the tin whistle in his head. Against the trad music, he also hears the snip snippity snip of his plastic handcuffs.
A surge of power awaiting his deft fingers.
His moblie, cast aside, still bleats faintly in the night...

'Here here, listen you gobshite are you takin' the piss or wha'? Look, if you want t'come 'round it's twenty for a hand-'

Mally reaches down, his thumb hits end, his eyes befixed on Binty's steaming piss. ~He is shaking it off, zipping up. His alluring slip-slod trippity trop waddle commences right this way.
There is a god, Mally thought weakly, and thy name is fuckin cider!
He feels once for his illegal and highly frowned upon sap. It is oiled up and ready to go.
He grapples with the handle and steps out into the cool night air...


Sergeant O’Shea, (master of every rabbit punch, arm twist, kidney poke in the book) has met his match in a slip of a thing that stepped out a toothpaste commercial.

“Where’s oul’ Dan? It’s him that usually sees me.”

Oul’ Dan, an idler from our hero’s betting shop, has, at Barney’s polite but insistent suggestion, taken himself off to his local for the night, with a twenty in his top pocket “to get him started“.

“He had to leave. I’m his locum.”
“His locum? He never mentioned family to me, maybe I should wait till he’s back.”
“Don’t be silly now, sure I know what I’m doin’, come through to the treatment room, it’s the neck is it?”
CRACK.
“My Cot but it is.”

And with soft hands upon his shoulders she steers him through the house, contriving on the way to give the villain’s neck a tweek.
CRACK

“Oh fuck!”
“Are you all right there? Not long now. Get your uniform off and lie on the table.”
“Trousers too? It’s the neck! me neck, I keep telling yi’”
”All of it. I’ve got to…to manipulate the spine…em, sure but you know what they say, the neck bone’s connected to the backbone…
“Jeez, right then, here have them, take it all, feck!”

Onto the table he struggles, what with his gout and his twisted neck and all, but he’s still a man…

“No Sergeant, face down.”

As quick as it’s off, the Garda suit is passed unseen to the waiting Fatmammycat.



“Hello there friend, havin’ a good night eh? long ways from home, here let me assist, “serve and protect” that’s our motto!”
“Are YOU a polis, son?”
“Sorta, come back to the van, I’ll run yi’ to town.” smirks our serpent, overlooked by Patrick in the Holy Days. For Binty, a man lost in the fog, the offer of a warm van back to town, is a harbour light unlooked for. In his best Rastafarian, kept for just such moments, he shouts in joy.

“Rock on, me Bredren!”

The cosh is stopped sudden on the backswing.

“Wha’? Di’ you say Brethren? A Brother? You?”

Now Binty knows naught of square and divider, he’s kept his pockets clean, in simple friendship he responds:
“Eh? Yeah man, put it there…brother”, his honest open hand outstretched.
Mally takes it, to be sure, Lets check the Scotchman’s secret Grip.
Through clumsy drunken mishap or Luck’s protection Binty’s handshake goes awry. Fuck The Hairy Goat! thinks Mally, (for such is the heathen talk they use)
A Grandmaster of the third degree! Wid you fucking believe it? And me a Vow new taken!

“Fucking cuntish bastard hoors of a cunty-cunty fuck!” Shouts Mally in his jig of rage.
“Eh, urr yi all right there Jimmy?”
“Yes Yes, get in the van, I’ll give you a lift. Feck!.”

Still Act Two

But what of our Hero? Some may ask, let’s join the three who left us sharp, now in a house on the outskirts of the fog bound town. Preparations for war are underway, and as Lysander to his few at Thos, Fatmammycat spurs them on…

“Right, SB, is the room ready? You look perfect.”
“I don’t know, do I look right in this white tunic? I don’t look like a fucking chiropodist or something?”

Fatmammycat pauses.

“SB, no matter what, you could never look like a chiropodist. You’ve even got me as damp as my basement. Happy now? Now quick, he’ll be here soon. I’ll take Barney into the kitchen and sort him out.”

“I don’t understand why I have to strip.” Says he, “The mot would kill me.”

“We’ve been through this, you can’t put it on over your clothes, now get them off.”

And so he stands, a David in the firelight now revealed, his many scars no slip of the Sculptor’s hand, but badges proud of the Long Campaign, and in his form we see the Sculptor’s hand was true, (no artisan but Artist, great is He). From the cording of his neck, through coursing forearm veins, o’er the rippling landscape of his torso, past satisfying lunchbox, to his manly thigh. Fatmammycat the expert, runs her expert eye.

“Interesting.”

A loud knock at the door, stops her in her shameful tracks.

“Places everyone, let’s do it!”

Before O’Shea can knock a second time, Sexy Beauty opens the door.



Now they have come in from the night, we can look them over at our leisure. They too, bring a sudden lull with them, into the long night’s business with John Barleycorn, for American lady tourists are as common as one eyed unicyclists in Ryan’s. And especially such interesting specimens of the type. The younger, young enough still, to absorb Life’s great joys by simple osmosis, carries with her an old fashioned book-strap, a half dozen of the Irish Greats in its buckled grip. Her meat and drink on such a trip as this. The other, who even now displays a look-you-in-the-eye feistiness (which all true men value above gold in a woman) has planted herself, back to the counter, and like an adamant lighthouse slowly scans the storm-tossed sea of faces.

“Take a picture why dontcha? It’ll last longer.”

Good natured laughter her reward, she turns and buys the beers. Suddenly they need to sit. For in truth, here in Ryan’s boozy fug, the day’s trudge has caught them up.

“What about over there? There’s some seats free.”
“You’re joking, please tell me you are.”
“I cant stand much longer, I’ll go first, you give em the big smile.”

Charts litter the surface now and we find our three in earnest thought.

“Hi boys, I’m Andraste this is Lindy.”
“Please, you were expected.”
“What?
“Two women from the west, will come bearing…”
“No Ayres, not yet!”
“But we’re from the east”
“It’s the west to us”
“Allow me, I am Gorilla Bananas..”
“You don’t say”
“This is El Barbudo…”
“What does the “L” stand for?”
“The”, not L but EL”
“I get it ! Spanish?
“No, Belgian”
“Why doesn’t he talk?”
“He has, well the most inconsequential of speech problems. He‘s shy.”
“What about him?”
“That’s Ayres, the philosopher, our crypto-analyst, holder of the Fortran seat of alchemy at the University of Cobol.”
“Airs! That’s what your givin’ me! The vapors! Listen what are you guys on?”
“A Quest !”

Andraste calls their bluff.

“OK tell us.”
“Look at this. It’s a brass rubbing from the tomb of Arthur”
“King Arthur?”
“You could say that. Arthur Guinness the brewer….”

As the explanation continues, Lindy feels her heart fill to bursting…

Act Two...

Dear friends,
for some, a fog is hindrance only, for these soulless ants unmoved by Nature’s upkeep of Creation, it’s one hour more in an endless grind. The oak-hearted sailor fears and loathes it, as he strains to hear the skerry bell, yet that same deadening is a gift to some, a respite given from clamour and din, for others more, of a lonesome kidney, fond memories come wrapped within its damp embrace.

But for some, a few, (thankful praise a blessed few), their hearts rotted by malignant grubs of evil, laid in childhood by unknown wasps, a fog is their friend, a cloaking ally, to be greeted with silent salutation upon the field of unspoken filthy deed…

Reserve Officer Mally feels his pleasure mount as each step of Sergeant O’Shea’s stiff gait takes him further into the fog towards the house. The thickening vapours now close behind him with vault door finality.

In the course of his Duty, Mally makes a point of removing the little squares of coloured paper which adorn phone booths, advertising the services of ladies and working girls. You know the thing. Of course you do. These he keeps like a schoolboy pack of cards. And now like a game of patience perverted in its carnal turpitude, he lays them out, every one, on the passenger seat, keeping one hand free.
Like some low, inverted liturgy, he starts to read them out:
Smell the glove - Afterwards!
Backdoor Girl. I likes it HARD I does.
New in town, Be my butt plug.
Bored Housewife, tit-wank a specialty.
French lessons,

“French less…how did that get there?”
Damnation! his strokes now dropped he spies a number closer to his heart.
With frantic button pressing, he hears the rings,
“Come on come on come on.”
“Well hello,” says the husky voice…


Outside our inn, under the sodium street lamp, two American lady tourists are studying a brief volume called, ‘The Joys of Olde Dublin Town‘. It was written by a crook who never got further east than Boston, but some would say “Well, near enough”.
Let’s eavesdrop while they stand there in the glare.

“Book of Kells."
“Yep, I think we saw the letter “F” or something, hard to say.”
“Bullet holes in O’Connell Street Post Office.”
“Check.”
“Pea green Liffey.”
“What?”
“The Godamn river.”
“Right. Seen it. Check.”
“Well that’s it.”
“That’s it? You sure? There’s no appendix, addendum, second fucking volume?”
“Nope. Look it’s getting thicker, and my feet hurt, let’s go in here for a Guinness or ten.”
“Check.”


Mally’s hand is shaking now as he grips the phone checking every syllable.
“Wud yi’ like to buy me panties? Up the arse is extra so it is.”
“Mam! Yi promised me. Yi said yi would stop and go back to the betting shop. I believed you I did.”
“Oh it’s you is it? Listen, 10 euros an hour? Did yi never stop and think? Where in the worrald did yi think your plasma screen came from? Now get off the line yi little bollix, yir bad fir trade.”

In tearful fury the phone is flung, but wait, up the road, just discernable through the grey, comes a man, what’s more he’s singing and he’s had a few!
Mally’s lizard grin grows with every step poor Binty takes towards that van…

FIRST INTERMISSION
Please return to your seats by the second bell. (no third bell)

A chance to stretch your legs, have a smoke, drink that pre ordered fizz, have that dump that’s been nagging at you, and in the red plush, listen to the crowd as we mingle…

“…What d’ya think?”
“I liked the fog.”
“It was too much for me. Lots of dry ice, it’s so passé.”
“Stop being such a pompous prick.”
“Jesus, you asked my opinion.”
“No, you asked mine, but gave me yours, as usual…”


“…It’s a big cast.”
“Not half, according to the programme they’re not all on yet.”
“Did you get a programme?”
“Two! We each bought one by mistake. Twelve quid! Dick Turpin wore a fuckin mask. On your own?”
“No she’s over there trying to wheedle another couple of miniatures out the sponsors…”


“…It’s a nice theatre.”
“Yeah they’ve done it up well”
“Lottery money.”
“Well better that, than wasting it on the homeless. Did you see them on the way in? Filthy beggars sleeping rough on the steps?”
“That was women queuing for Daniel O’Donnell tickets*. They’re on sale on Monday Did you not see the thermos flasks and tartan rugs and stuff?”
“For the love of Christ!…”

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

“…We’re away in, don’t be long you two.”
“Aye OK”
“What you reckon Bobby?”
“It’s fucking torture.”
“I know. One for the road?”
“Aye”
“Nice jacket by the way. Lager?”
“Aye…”

* True

More (it is an Opera)

Let’s tarry awhile with these, come lately to the scene. What force of Fate’s has pulled them from the track well beat, to here, this night of all? Nothing less than a Quest!

Their entry stops the hubbub, just new again begun…
“Jesus” says the landlord to himself, as well he might, for the double of the Lamb of God is here tonight on Earth, with two companions now it seems. A jungle ape and a puzzled man with charts and books.
“Ah, now we get it…fancy dress piss-up.” the unspoken agreement round the room. (We, of course know different, don’t we friends?) Even so, when the rhubarb starts up anew it’s muted, to keep an ear free for all that falls unchecked.

Before Ryan’s counter stand the three, still in self absorbed discussion.

“…..no I don’t think that’s wise Barbudo, you have Tourette’s and are socially inept, besides, it’s GB’s round. Let’s sit, he’ll bring them over.”

And now, aware at last of their surroundings, they look for a table. And yes you’ve guessed, there is but one free space among the throng. For none shall sit there now.

From long years watching cowboy films the remarkable gorilla strikes his pose. A size ten hand upon the foot rail, he slaps his money down and orders up.
The barman admits “that Ape has style! And what a suit. The best I’ve seen and anatomically correct. He’s got a mickey and everything, even the eyes, contacts maybe…” (Careful, those eyes hold the wisdom of a myriad years.) He’s checking for the join between them and the mask when……into a lion pit he falls, landing hard in Serengeti, while in his ears, Zambezi drums throb, borne upon the fragrant grassland breeze…
In stone the barman stands, his drifting rollup smoke the only movement.
Our Ape-man turns to his friends;

“I did say this might happen…”

The big one, him the spit of Our Lord, stands up, and to the barman says quite snippy;
“In the name of cuntish fuck! Coke and ginger beer in a pint tumbler for me, right? Look at me when I’m talking son. Splendid. A half pint low alcohol lager shandy with lime for the philosopher in the corner and a banana daiquiri for my friend the Godamned, fucking APE. What’s the fucking problem? Is this a pub or not?”

“I’m having my doubts,” thinks our potman rustic.

Barbudo continues his tirade;
“And Mr G, put your bastard coat back on.”
“Yes of course, pardon.”
“Ayres! This the place or not?”
“Yes…It’s hard to say…there are so many Ryan’s”
“Well is it the right fuckin town?”
“The drunken rampaging stag and hen nights would suggest so.”
“I don’t mean DUBLIN, I know THIS is fucking Dublin. Is Dublin the RIGHT fucking town?”
“Yes. Stop shouting.”

“This is the best daiquiri I’ve ever had.”

El Barbudo looks heavenward in silent pleading, and there serendipitously, on the wall, is his suffering mirror image, complete with exposed sacred heart.
“You and me both, mate.”

On a windswept roadside, R.O. Mally sits in an unmarked Garda van. His instructions were clear.
“Do nothing’ y’hear? I’m letting’ yiz have the van on that condition.”
“Condition, yes sergeant nothin‘”
CRACK
“Right so, I’m off then.” CRACK “Oh sweet Michael, me poor feckin’ neck.”
A portentous mist is gathering…..

More Beggars’ Opera

Let’s leave our hero for the moment, gentles dear, in his porcelain sanctuary, hot air jet on his trouser front, The Sporting Life fanning his stinging parts.
Come with me back to the bar, for an Entrance is being made.

No base clay in her formation, but from the Dear Land’s best marble, for so it seems, she sprung full-formed.
No fanfare sounded, yet all are deaf, no courtiers attend, yet Sheba’s train is there, feline incarnadine!
An eyebrow for the dumbstruck barkeep.

“Gin…tall…dirty!”
“Absoulement!“ says the astounded barhop, a Limerick man who never spoke French in his life.
His proffered glass, trembling, remains unseen however.

“I’ll sit over there”

With innkeep now entranced in tow, she moves to the very table we know so well. A seat for the lady, her drink presented. She sits, a smile for barkeep that he‘ll put in the bank, her leg is crossed. The clientele breathe again. This bar, to her an inferior foreign state, lies vanquished at her perfect feet.

“Um anything else m-m-mem?”
“I’m looking for a man.”

All men there look round them in joy short-lived, for soon they realise, there are none the measure of such a prize.
Breaking the spell, the squeak of the Gents’ door announces Barney’s return.

“Ah here he is.”
“Christ that was quick Doll, I didn‘t expect you to drop everything”
“Needs must. I have enlisted our friend to help. I have a plan.”
“Right, great, neck that, and I’ll set them up.”

Is it the drinks or Her that’s causing the intoxication?
None know or care. It’s the best trade Ryan’s has done in memory. Right on cue, the door swings wide.
Sexy Beauty has come among them.
For a second time that day, mouths gape, glasses halt halfway to dusty throats.
Without doubt she is the very essence of sex and vitality and now that we see her, there IS a resemblance to Cameron Diaz, but the comparison favours our young Titan. With grace to shame an impala, she crosses the floor; her lithe and limber form a magnet for hungry eyes.

“Vodka and red bull” she calls over her shoulder to the frazzled barman, who will take those lips to his grave.
“And two more here as well - big ones.” Shouts Barney, taking unfair advantage.
Our conspirators three, now lay out their stratagems.
At last, like the final piece of the jigsaw, Fatmammycat passes a business card to SexyBeauty.
“It falls to you now, here is his name, he will be as putty in your elegant fingers.”
“And you?”
“I shall be in the back up vehicle with the mice. And now, since the night is yet young, let us away, for I know a place we can merry make.”
“Why have you started talking like that?”
“I’m pissed.”

As our heroes leave, an equally exotic trio passes them in the doorway.
These three are hairy and engaged in some mild disagreement.

“Yes, I’m quite sure now, this isn’t it, or is it?”
“Well If I hear a remark in here like that last place, I won‘t be responsible.”
“Don’t be a cunt. Leave the talking to me.”

Beggars’ Opera.

A well used bar.
Sits our hero, corner table back to the wall, head bowed in contemplation of The Form spread before him. At his elbow, a queer glass from which he sips his elixir.
For all the world, Rodin’s Thinker.
Now come into his field of view, two gloved fists, resting with malice aforethought, on the oak, near the top of his paper. And two more, now you mention it, to his right, the neighbours of the first.

“Would you just look at this now, Reserve Officer Mally? Sure doesn’t he put you in mind of a Trinity man at his studies?”
“He does sergeant, he does”

Our hero, colour draining, looks up at Sergeant Milo O’Shea of An Garda Siochana. With him, an ill-favoured whip of a lad also in uniform, but with a learner’s armband, and a learner’s hatred.
A lifetime of trickery washes past our hero on a wave of adrenaline.

“Not interrupting Barney? (for it is he) We wouldn’t want to interrupt a scholar at the learnin’, would we Reserve Officer Mally?”
“No we wouldn’t sergeant, not at the learnin’ no.”
“But I see now it’s only the horses he’s reading and nothin’ important. Careful now, Reserve Officer Mally, you nearly had the lad’s drink over there. What manner of drink would that be anyways? It’s neither stout nor ale nor porter, neither is it whiskey nor French brandy. Tell us Barney. We’re agog we are.”

“It’s rumplemayer…ahem! It’s katsenjammer…AHEM…choke…it’s fucking JAGERMEISTER!“

“It isn’t! Doesn’t he have expensive tastes Reserve Officer Mally? And him idle!”
“Expensive sergeant, just what I was thinkin‘”

“look lads…what is it you want?”

“Well it’s like this. Some people think they’re smarter than us Gardai. I know I know, can you believe it? But we’ve a bit of a computer up at the station there and Reserve Officer Mally here likes nothing better than a quick look on the oul web before we go out on patrol. He’s that keen you see. It’s amazing the slander about us they’ll be putting on that thing. Scandalous.”

“Holy Mary Mother of God !”

“Well might you say that Barney boy, but I’m thinking you don’t go as often as you maybe should. Oh now look at that. Reserve Officer Mally has accidentally spilled your German drink into your lap. Well at least the glass didn’t break in your groin, I’ve seen it happen. But listen, we should maybe pick up the cleaning bill…….will we be owing you anything for that?”


Our heroine, our Hera stepped off Olympus, our Juno among mortals, Fatmammycat takes up the tale:

Barney looked down at his damp trousers. 'Nah, lad's that all right, no harm no foul.'

Officer Mally smiled, or at least his mouth did. His eyes however glittered with pent up emotion.

Sergeant Milo cracked his neck- a skill he had spent months learning ever since he had watched Leon in a sauna house. Sure any cunt could crack their knuckles, but the neck? That was style, that was...tough.It didn't half freak out the junkies in Store street.

'Well now' CRACk ' I don't suppose we'll be needing to take up any more of your tiime now Barney, will we?'

'Yeah, will we?' Mally spoke without moving his lips Barney noticed. He wondered idly if he could fart without opening his hole.
Milo looked pained, Mally had ballsed up his good bye speech.'Right so, we'll leave you to your...drink.'
CRACK!

He stalked out of the bar, head high shoulders back. He had gout, and as such walked with a curious stiff gait that he hoped looked powerful and authoritive.

'You've been warned.'
Mally said bunching his fists.
'He said.'
'Yeah well....you better remember it.'
'What?'
'That I warned ya too.'
'You just said that.'
'Yeah, so what?'
'So I heard you the first time.'

A muscle jumped in Mally's jaw.He leaned in. Barney could smell the Joop aftershave. It did not mask the stink of goat.

'I'm jist saying.'
'I know.'

Barney agreed in a surprisingly jovial tone.
Mally huffed softly, unsure of what was happening. Afraid he might be slithering off the high ground he knocked over Barney's glass of jagermeister.

'Oops sorry 'bout that.'

He snickered once, then turned on his heel and left the bar.
Barney glanced down at his paper. Kicking King in the 2:30, after yesterdays rain the ground was soft going. Not a bad bet.He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his mobile. He tapped in a number.

'Howya, Barney here. Yeah, not too bad...no, they're grand too. Listen, you still got that lock up over on the East wall? Grand, and the van? Beautiful. Nah, nah, just that. You're a fucking beut Big Ron. Talk to ya.'

Barney ordered another drink and shook out his paper. Mally was a stupid cocksucker to be sure, in more ways than one. And when Barney was finished with him, the whole of Dublin would agree with that assessment.

He settled back in his seat and dialled another number.'Fatmammycat? Barney, you too. tell me this now and tell me no more, you still got that er...you know... the equipment. No shite, not that, the other stuff. You do? Great, can you bring it to a lock up over in the East wall tomorrow night? Ah you are a Darling. Oh yeah, bring the camcorder too. Beautiful. No, thank you!'

He hung up and smiled for the first time that day. He had been wondering what to do with all the dead mice, two fucking birds with the one stone, you couldn't say fairer than that.'

Clatter! Clang! Scribble scribble, swearwords, scritch scratch…..
No post today readers!
Doctor Maroon is busy!
(third person exclamations)
He’s not busy with his silly fan blades, which pay for all his nice stuff and status in society, no, he’s fucking about with a comic strip. Such Larks!!!

Close to the edge, down by a river...

Maroon you better screw the nut. Your jacket’s on a very shakey nail. I believe I shall be sacked soon, my subordinates will demand it. I rise early, no credit in that, it just happens, I get in early ( the security guard [Reliance] hates me) and can finish my business by around 8:30. A monkey could do it. Then I spend a few hours trying to make a cartoon and save it on a worthless piece of shit site like that fucking southpark garbage.

If nothing’s gone wrong over the weekend, people just get on with it. I take a stroll or two around the place to show that I’m here, and that’s that.

I am of a poetic bent, so I look up Burns with the notion of perhaps learning a poem to recite at the supper in the hotel, another hour. It’s eleven now. I have read GB’s mountain post which has worried me, and am now going for tea and will speak to the Finance Director about his wife’s pelvic floor or some such. I wish I was a cartoonist for the Daily Sketch or something.

A midlife crisis is knocking on the door but I’ve put out the lights and am hiding behind the couch with a book and a plate of shortbread so fuck ‘im and his fucking scythe.

Friday night-Saturday afternoon

The best laid plans of mice and men aft gang agley. It’s rotten when your friends can’t come out to play. In fact it’s utter shite.

The day started poorly.

“Kin-hell Maroon, Elvis lives! Viva Las Vegas!” (singing)
“Right. Just TELL me what to wear then.”
“Well, the baseball jacket? Come on.”
“It’s warm, it’s got pockets with zips. I got it in America you know”
“Yeah, but it‘s a bit…”
“You always have me looking like a fucking country squire or poacher or something.”
“Better that than Babe Ruth”
“I feel like one of Austin Reed’s fucking dummies.”
“Wear what you want…if you’re comfortable.”

And so, off into town. She with her friends to spend their monies like waves on the sea buying frivolities and ladies requisites, me to have some drinks and hearty banter. Ah the banter.

Phone up friend (A)
“Hey Bobbaayyy! Black Jack’s this afternoon? Few beers, game’s on Setanta have a laugh with the other Weekend Tims?”
“Can’t. Her parent’s are up.”
“Bring them!”
“Aye right. He doesn’t walk that well.”
“Who’s asking him to fucking walk? She can run you in and the pub’s got seats now.”
“Ha Ha It’s not gonna happen.”

Phone friend (B)
“Heyy, how’s it hanging you big dopey cunt!?”
“Ack is that you?”
“Oh hi Diane, you’ve got Dan’s phone then?”
“Looks like it”
“Is he about?”
“No he’s away playing golf”
“Golf? (He’ll be joining the lodge next) When’s he back?”
“Who knows? He’s left his phone!”

It wasn’t THAT bad, there’s always someone who’ll listen in a pub. (4:2 for Celtic)
I have heard that women share the sacrosanct secrets of the bedroom with their friends. I hope she lies a bit.
It’s half nine, I’m not going local; I’ll just stay in now. Friday and Saturday, IN both nights, le weekend’s not shaping up at all at all.

FOR THE TWITCHERS..
Hoopoe and Roller. (Common in Namibia)

Don’t touch me! I’m a real live-wire…

“Maroon it’s obvious to everyone what you’re doing.”
“What?”
“You’ve fallen into the media trap.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“This relentless quest for ratings has to stop. You’ve become a….”
“Don’t say it…”
“It’s all vanity, you’re a…”
“Please don’t…”
“A GOBSHITE.”
“I can't believe you said that. You said I made you laugh.”
“I said your POETRY made me laugh.”
“That’s quite unfair.”
“Twenty was right, you’re whoring. First it was the map…”
“The map’s cool! You said so…”
“Now its that wankey Scotch ranking thing that Barney turned you on to.”
“I’m up to eightieth!”
“Yeah, of a hundred. Look, you used to say you didn’t give a flying fuck…”
“I said / you said, - what does it matter now? I’m on to something here.”
“Wise up Maroon, I’m warning you!”
“Oh come on, what about a joke from Jokemail? Barney says he loves him.”
“Barney’s fucked with drink, that much is obvious”
“OK, here it is anyway, How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire…”
See? A smile, that wasn’t hard was it?”
“Listen Maroon, I’m back fairly early tonight, and I’m not playing second fiddle to that fucking laptop. I’m sick of half conversations, it’s like Beardy says, it’s time to take out your dick and start fucking.”

Phew readers, what a to-do! The ladies! They never let us have our fun.
Now, here’s a picture of a very attractive visitor to the garden feeder.
Our old friend the Goldfinch. Pairs or singly this time of year.

Rikki don't lose that number,
you don' wanna call nobody else...

It being the dreichest of days, I took myself off, there just then, to a nearby disused industrial estate now turned into a shopping experience, to eat a flame grilled whopper.
In the steamy warmth was a table of Goths! That’s right! If Beardy hadn’t mentioned them a while back I would have believed them extinct, along with Mohawks Suedeheads and Teddy Boy beat-nicks. Not only were they Goths but they were GOTHS. Rather like undercover police Goths. I sat next to them and what were they talking about? Why the Iraqi war, that’s what. Not only that, but they were talking in loud plummy accents in a quasi-articulate manner.



“Oh come on Sebastian! Military intervention was inevitable with the flouting of resolution 1823”
“Good point Jarvinda! Sea-bass always glosses over the UN mandate.”
“I’m merely stating the obvious, that with any hint of international illegality, the coalition forces can never hope to carry the Sunni minority, leading inevitably to a fractured nation and continued internecine conflict.”
“You going to eat that lettuce?”
“Nah it’s fucking minging”

I will stay at my desk next time. We STILL don’t need to be here you know. Talk about slow?

A Great Bearded Tit.

I recently saw an episode of The Champions on TV. Now I keep whistling the theme tune. Why is that? Is someone trying to contact me? That Alexandra Bastedo was a luverly bit o' crumpet. The other two did nothing for me at all.
Waterspout at Geneva is not that impressive in the flesh neither.

ITC always had the best theme tunes!

Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there…

Cluster maps are COOOL!

They scrubbed all the little red dots off mine on 1st January, I didn’t know they were going to do that, but the current one is interesting because, much to my embarrassment it shows two particular visitors.
One from CAPEtown and another from RIO de Janeiro. Gettit?

What did they think? Are they now, as we speak, taking steps to have the name changed to avoid future confusion? Are they searching their members’ databases for an important Doctor Maroon to be sure of not ruffling the wrong feathers? We await developments with trepidation.

That elf shagger from Iceland was on the last one as well; this is where the map helps.

The Indian ones are friends of the Oxford lads on the Contra-Puntal site. They must have done a reverse link and come here. I don’t think they would be disappointed, it’s just as pseudo intellectual here as the Oxford ramblings. (I’m actually a light blue but don’t tell them).Fuckbags.

There's one in Finland, That must be because of Doctor Evil's coffee debate. Nosey Finn bastard. Look to your own affairs! You and your eggshells. Just joking. You are most welcome my frigid friend. Put the knife down son.

If you can identify your red dot or dots, I’m sure the group would be fascinated.

OFFICIAL! SCOTCHMAN IS BOOZER!

The tea-total world of Westminster was rocked to it’s foundations last night, when in a shock statement to the world, ginger heavyweight Nigel Kennedy confessed to liking a “wee drammy” or two as a “settler” before he got up in the morning.
“It’s the right of every freeborn Englishman,” he slurred.
“But will you stay on and lead the Tories to victory?” demanded the Mail’s correspondent.
Kennedy, his speech garbled and with a donner kebab dripping down his shirt front, replied:
“Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut you ugly bastard?”

Later, sporting a black eye and a fine tasselled lampshade, the pissed up carrot top confirmed he would go on for the good of the party.
“Parr-tay” He laughed, as the tell-tale damp patch spread over his grey flannels.
“It’s a black day for Scotland!” said Scotch whisky chief Glen Fiddock.
“It’s a fucking blacker one for us” said Father Abbot Jerome of Buckfast Abbey.

The Mail says: Just a wee dock an’ doris….

Epiphany update:

We three kings etc.
Vee-Barney, tonight’s the night for packing away your fairy lights neatly.
SafeT: You set fire to the couch tonight!

Three wise men. Melchior (with cigar), Balthazar and Caspar.

And when the dam breaks many years from now…

As promised, that nice picture of Lindy again.
Shake it baby, sparkle for me!

That warmed me up.
Minx!
Had a look at that Manuel’s site. http://manuel-estimulo.blogspot.com/
That’s right, he’s a Spanniard and a poet like me so get over it, but he also did some funny posts about Keano not going to Real Madrid. (see 13th to 16th December)
And now, one of the Marx Brothers (sans Zeppo)


“This time we getta halfway across, we hava to come back”
“Why this time?”
“We run outa gasoline”

Can’t seem to face up to the facts…

Dr M’s Jokes that always misfire.
An occasional series.
No1 “stout yeomen of the bar”
No2 “Poles to Warsaw”
No3 “why thank you, I’ll have a brandy if it’s all the same”
No4 “ginger with your melon”
No5 ”Yep! That’s wine!”

Let’s start with No4. Only Binty McShae will get this.
Scene 1 : Restaurant in Glasgow’s West End. It is summer (July 14 - 17 inclusive) we therefore find the group enjoying their “melon boats” for starters.
Waitress: "Would you like ginger with your melon? "
Dr Maroon: "No, I think we’ll be OK with the wine thanks."

No3
Scene 2 : Front Bar anywhere in rural Scotland. Start of busy night for underpaid bar staff. Enter three or more thirsty worthies.
Barkeep : "Evening gents, what would you like to drink?"
Maroon (feigning pleasant surprise) : "That’s very kind of you, I’ll have a brandy thanks very much."

You see the pattern? I’ve lost the will to live but…must….keep…go...ing…

THE MOST ESOTERIC (Wankiest) JOKE IN THE WORLD (Flying to Warsaw)
Background.
This “joke” was told to me by a very intense young man with no friends who took some of us for control theory tutorials which were extra anyway and as much fun as a wire coat hanger up the ass. Charismatic visiting professors make use of the odd joke. Only they can carry it off.
I can’t remember his name, he wore no natural fibres and cut his own hair with a hatchet and wasn’t that much older than us but he was clever. He was clever, thinking back, to the point of disability. WE were clever, but fuck, we were Neanderthals by comparison.
Stay with me!
We must ignore the maths (even though my heroes are involved) and hold in our minds the simple fact, that when the “poles” are found, their position on the Z-plane, determines the stability of the function (hence system) under examination. Please for the love of God stay with me!
The Joke Proper.
Anyway, he clears his throat,
“Why…mmm…why is it dangerous?…snigger…to fly to Warsaw...snort…snicker?”
He can hardly control himself [sic], he’s already at the punch line the fucker!
Oh good, a joke! We are enthusiastic,
“Because it’s a shithole?”
“Because there’s no airport?”
“Because it’s full of gypsies?”
shakes his head in triumph,
“Because the POLES are on the LEFT-HAND-SIDE of the PLANE!” (his emphasis)
Part of me died that day. It’s the price we have to pay for our vocation I guess.

Gee but it’s great to be back home…

Is there any better feeling than when finally released from familial duties we are able to slob out in comfort with a tincture or two? The day is ours to waste in central heated comfort while through the Swedish triple glazing, in the frozen wilderness of Perthshire, songbirds starve to death.

So much for the fantasy. In reality, The House defies the normal laws of thermodynamics, that, or it was built over a Pictish burial site. Bloody useless Picts. We normally have to moon about the place wearing all our tweeds and fleeces, until about lunchtime when the temperature rises enough for independent movement. You couldn’t keep lizards, that’s for sure. And Swedish triple glazing? Hand crafted by well-motivated professional artisans? Don’t make me laugh! Scottish single more like, slapped together in a warehouse in Greenock by a group of young offenders fighting for the nail gun.

Therefore, yesterday, upon our return, we tore into the party food and drinks only in an effort to bump up our calorific intake. It’s a survival issue here you know.
Shortbread, food of kings, and the buffet cocktail sausage roll, our saviour.
Walkers shortbread is the best by far, although Marks and Sparks’ luxury butter variety pushes it hard.
Anyway, that is my excuse, and sticking to it I am.

Oh! Corrections and whatnot.
Eponymous, not apocryphal ! I knew it was not right, and I looked at for a while at the time, but couldn’t think. This is what senility will be like.

Updates may follow.