That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I have a Geraldine who helps around the place sometimes; she it was who had the misfortune to answer a bailiff’s adamant knocking upon my door yesterday.
It being just noon, I was still foetal under a downie on the chaise longue; a shelled clam of a man, my bulging eyes peeping out on a fearful dangerous world. I listened.

“Is the old devil in?”

(Please God, do not forsake me now. Stop up my ears!)

“I’m sorry?”
“You will be; is he in?”
“I’m afraid Dr Maroon is incommoded today.”
“Is he pissed?”
“I really don’t think…”
“No, you probably don’t. Is he fearful pissed?”
“You cannot measure genius by such a yardstick.”
“Oh yes I can. Where is he?”

There was a two second absence of sound, then eager footsteps. Christ, she’s coming this way! Duck! Incoming!

“There you are. Or are you? Why are you trembling?”
“Clarissa.”
“Stop croaking.”
“I may feel like it but I hadn’t thought to croak just yet.”
“Yes, très drôle. Your voice, what has happened to it?”
“I have been singing.”

She stared at me an uncomfortable minute then busied herself at the sideboard. There is no finer sound than the preparation of a complex drink by an expert.

“Drink this.”
“What is it?”

Another uncomfortable minute and perhaps the beginnings of an impish smile.

“A cure.”
“Some verse springs to mind.”
“What? The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.’?
“No, I was thinking of ‘…And when the Angel with his darker draught, Draws up to Thee - take that, and do not shrink.’.”

My hand reached out of its own volition.

39 comments:

savannah said...

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

seemed the perfect response, do you know the movie, sugar? xoxooxo

PI said...

The pestle...was that Danny Kaye - it's the sort of thing he could rattle off like no-one else?

Dr Maroon said...

I googled, Savannah but I had heard it somewhere. I remember the film now but not that it was called the Princess Bride.
I remember Columbo as narrator. It WAS a good film. Funny.

Yes Pat the incomparable Danny Kaye. It was a very funny scene iof I remember right.

Dr Maroon said...

I googled, Savannah but I had heard it somewhere. I remember the film now but not that it was called the Princess Bride.
I remember Columbo as narrator. It WAS a good film. Funny.

Yes Pat the incomparable Danny Kaye. It was a very funny scene iof I remember right.

savannah said...

as you wish, yes, a delicious movie, sugar! xoxox

Mrs Pouncer said...

Yes, you see, some of your readers might think this is fiction. Friends, can I assure you that I have Dr Maroon's welfare at the forefront of my mind. I will be administering certain draughts to him over the course of the next month or so, in order to restore him to full health. In particular, I am recommending a patented bread extract which I will be massaging into Carter's artery (at the base of the skull) and encouraging him to suck on boiled bronze. I am a doctor's daughter. I know what I am doing.

scarlet-blue said...

Well I've never heard it called 'boiled bronze' before, but I'm sure it'll do the trick...
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Yerrrrs, Scarlet, that is because you are not familiar with Dr Maroon's pathology. I know what is best for him; I would probably know what's best for you, too. In fact, my observations (carried out under candlelight at Joe Allen last week) tell me that parts of your system are underactive and that a course of colloids might be the only cure. Send me some samples by return.

inkspot said...

Be sure you get the dose right, Mrs P; remember that the reliability of our nation's warships rests in Dr Maroon's trembling hands. If anything on his blog is to be believed.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Everything on his blog should be believed. I am sorry if I sound proprietorial, but someone has to.

If only you could've seen what was resting in his trembling hands this week, Inky! But, there you go. Some sights are not for the unworthy. Maroon's particular species of palsy is REACTIVE. Don't worry. I know what I am doing.

Dr Maroon said...

Thanks Clarissa.
"...to be believed" indeed. Really Inkspot, if I could think of a palindrome to put you in your place i would. But I can't.
May I just ask Clarissa, bear with me please, but isn't a colloid a very dangerous thing to introduce into one's bloodstream? I'm only asking mind. I thought curare was colloidal. I remember a recruiter took us round Porton once and i'm sure the subject came up. Very odd fellow he was. My companion suggested he looked like he might torture his budgie every night. Just asking. On that note Scarlet, I would (politely) resist a course of colloidal treatment unless you have Clarissa's assurance of its logarithmic efficacy. We would not want your nervous system vandaled would we?

Dr Maroon said...

oops, two ls in vandalled I think.

SafeTinspector said...

Liquidity is associated with both drunkenness and affluence. I don't think its a miskate and here's why:

There was a time when most forms of money involved consumables like vinegar, oils, salt and so forth. Since liquor was one of the few consumables that had serious legs it lent itself well to being stored long-term in subterranean, well-guarded caches.
Thus the alcoholic stuff could be used to determine the wealth of a man over time in a way that a loaf of bread or a side of beef could not.
The tendancy of wine and other lightly alcoholized beveriges to degrade into base aluminum, brass and vinegar created the term "bank holiday" because of the many festive uses these component parts could be put to.
Unfortunately, once the valuable wine had reverted to worthless metals and bases the owner was left destitute, a state known as "embaggaged."

And know you now... er, now you know.

scarlet-blue said...

Don't worry Dr Maroon... I had my milk, but I did put a little scotch in it; is that okay Mrs P?
Sx

Dr Maroon said...
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Dr Maroon said...

By gum SafeT, I think you are right!
Metal based money was always a risky risky business. Have you been doing that thing where you toast everyone again? Well done to you if you have. I for one am pleased. I shall toast you right now in return.
Here's to the Swedish Fish!

A little Scotch in your milk Scarlet? I saw no flask among the contents of your bag. Perhaps you placed it off camera for the look of the thing. I too carry emergency pants with me, but that was after an unfortunate incident during a residential course I was on. Ecoli. God, I lost a stone that week. Lamb Bhuna.
Ax

savannah said...

this is all beginning to remind me of something i read once. i'll just have to have a sip of courage and ponder. take care, sugar, treachery abounds! xoxo

Mrs Pouncer said...

Can everyone just calm down. I have an Almoner with me who asks that I sign his Poisons Register - just as a PRECAUTION, for God's sake. Nothing more. We live in litigious times; I need to protect myself.

Now then, I know that Dr Maroon has provoked a soup of sentiment from you ladies, but there is no need for it. Although he is not in rude health, I know how to dose him, and I give you my guarantee that you will see a distinct change. The problem is with his pineal gland and his pilomotor nerves. This causes his hair to quite literally stand on end and has led to repeat bookings at the South Mimms Palace of Varieties. I propose a steady course of phospholipids, daily ballottement and a Balkan Frame over his bed. All this talk of poison, sudden death and the insurance policy I recently negotiated in his name, is but chaff before the wind. I will return his partial thromboplastin time to 30 seconds, and his mean corpuscular volume will be back to 96 fl. before you can say knife.

Dr Maroon said...

Nobody mentioned a knife.

Mrs Pouncer said...

It was the one I found in the Billiard Room. Incidentally, on no account move the lead piping from the Conservatory; it is there for a reason. Something to do with plumbing. A Latvian will call in the morning and he may have spanner and a length of rope with him. Allow him to go about his business, and get a VAT receipt.

And do be careful what you write; ANYONE could be reading this, you know.

savannah said...

well, at least, there's been no mention of a rope...or a conservatory...or the dread pirate roberts...

the light is in the window, sugar..have no fear! xoox

Dr Maroon said...

Clarissa, never put your trust in insurance and that is my advice to you.
My old broker was Barry Winklemann, the closest friend of Rabbi Weiss, a great expounder of the Halakah, (club foot and ugly as sin). Utter diamond of a man.
So, I had the smallest prang with a silly woman in a Landrover Defender hardly worth mentioning, so I phone him up. His tearful wife answered; Barry’s only gone and run off with the cashbox to Ibiza with Rachel the 22 year old temp! None of us had a godam policy let alone an endowment between us. That’s what you get with insurance my friend.

Savannah, there’s a light on at the Katsenjammer house.

inkspot said...

Tell you what, Maroon, you find my place for me and I'll let you off the palindrome. It's got to be by the fire, mind, with an adequate supply of refreshment.

savannah said...

i see you met my sons, sugar! ;) xoxo

Dr Maroon said...

Inkspot you will always find both here. Och aye!

Sav, I have probably fought with them many a time on a Saturday night. Scunners.

ps, don't you think Darling has been terribly clever with his expensive 2.5% reduction in VAT?
As any fule kno, deflation is the death knell for an economy. In one leap he has managed to disguise any British deflationary evidence for the next year and, AND when it,(VAT) goes back up again (that's right UP) in a year's time,it will artificially stimulate consumer spending because they (the consumers) will see prices rising. It will be expensive but a neat trick. It might just work. Yes it just might. My view of him has improved tremendously. That Yvette Cooper's a looker an'all.

scarlet-blue said...

Miss Scarlet, in the conservatory, with her knickers.... Oh, I see I am too late again....
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarlet, pick up your pants and leave by the tradesman's entrance; and don't talk to any of the tradesmen on your way out, either. I am here to palpate Dr Maroon's ulna, and I'm observing him for Frolich's syndrome.

Dr Maroon said...

They are very brief Scarlet. How do you know which way to put them on?
Having said that you do suit them. Umm, a small tincture for the road?
What about...oh, oh I know! A tequila slammer or two. The perfect aperitif!

Dr Maroon said...

Clarissa!
I don’t know who she is or how she got in here! She is a florist! She is here to check my orchids, my snapdragon, the plants!
Good God in heaven, I do not believe you sometimes. I thought we would never mention my genital hypoplasia. It was COLD. Jeez. How many times? Anyway, my ulna could do with a rub. Can’t get over you sometimes. Really I can’t. Did you bring the Gonaditropin?

scarlet-blue said...

Most things are better after a rub.
Sx

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

God, this is better than Casualty.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarlet, you may GO. Thank you.

Daphne, you may assist. I believe you are State Registered? As you see, Maroon has a prominent Naboth's follicle, and I suspect he has Willis's Circle in its acute form. I want to rig up some rudimentary traction. Actually, Scarlet, come back. Take that off. Daph, wrap it round Maroon's leg, and sling the end over that menorah. Pull. Harder.

Dr Maroon said...

I'm glad Scarlet's staying, she's right! Things are better when you rub them. Look at Aladdin's lamp.
Daphne, you needn't be quite so firm, that foot is the foot of St Sebastion but if you keep pulling at like that it may come off.
Where are you going with that thing Clarissa? More to the point what is it?
No. You've got to be kidding, there's no way you're putting that thing up OOOWWWWW!!! that was unfair.

Mrs Pouncer said...

See? So much better now, isn't it? I have dismissed Scarlet and Daphne, and I will now feed you Rakusen's finest. Open wide.

Dr Maroon said...

Mmm, Rakusens's. The big snack for healthy appetites.
A house without matzos is an unlucky house.

If you could just slacken that...yes that one...oh, oh that's better...God yeah, that's much better...

Mrs Pouncer said...

Keep still, I need to readjust this webbing ... lift that up a bit .... actually, prop it up on the pillow ...... now if I can just get my knee into that hollow, and .... no you'll have to lift your head up a bit ...... I'm going to take this off ... can you undo it with your spare hand?

Dr Maroon said...

What, this bit here? Oh God sorry...this one...just let me...oops did that hurt?...ahhhh...this is...Chap nit!...that’s it...

Mrs Pouncer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Maroon said...

well well