As you will have surmised by now, I am a Knight of Malta. I’m not meant to talk about it but we Maroons have been Templars in unbroken line from Robert de Marron, who as you know was cousin to Kenneth Mac Alpine on the distaff side and nephew sinestra to Guy of Warwick. Currently, I’m waiting for Our Holy Father in Rome to call me up and begin the Counter Reformation. My task will be to post copies of the Catholic Herald through The Queen’s letterbox. And this brings me to my next point: that of our prime minister encouraging everyone to wear their uniforms in public again.

You will be too young to remember, but time was when any city street would be full of nurses in capes and commissionaires in vestibules all spick and span and ready for inspection Sah! A time, not long ago, when everyone wore a uniform. I like uniforms me, but, as a Soldier of Christ, I’m not sure multi ethnic Britain would be ready for me trotting round Asda in my livery. It’s not the chain mail or the broadsword, surely a common enough sight in our supermarkets these days, no, it’s The Cross.

The traditional big red cross on a white sur-coat is bad enough, but we go one better. Our big red cross is eight pointed and is repeated on the shoulder of the cloak. I should have mentioned; there’s a big fancy cloak as well, with hood proper, well it’s more of a cowl than a hood truth be told, and golden spurs of course (I’m a knight), and pointy chain mail sock things and a pointy shield, again with red cross motif. I admit it’s a little bit “corporate branding” that cross, but I’d bet no-one would count my items in the express line. No, I’m not worried about buying twenty Rothmans in my uniform, but what about going for a pint afterwards? For a kick off, chain-mail plays merry hell with your body hair and you daren’t cross your legs, (there’s no give) and any trip to the lavatory is out of the question so it’d be half pints only and nips of whisky to make up for it and so you’d be pissed in no time, looking for heretics to burn. No: uniforms and cross cultural binge drinking would never work.
Gordon Brown is such an idiot!