That pure Cane Spirit since 1848.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The WI in the local press

I recently took a call from the Women’s Institute.

“Who is this?” was the husky enquiry.
“I’ll be whoever you want me to be, darling.” I answered neutrally.
“Are you The Proprietor?”
“I am called many things.” I said, flicking through my cue cards to the “Ps”.

To let you know, I have a small interest in a premium phone service. It’s just a sideline to keep the wolf from the door you understand; beer money, nothing more, honestly.
I offer two services:
“Adrian, The Obliging Plumber” targeting the housewife demographic and
“Adrian, The Compliant Plumber” for the homosexualist brigade.
Do you see the difference? I am nothing if not PC., one has to be, in this game.
I use the same number for both services; it saves money.
But, but, I have found it is no good rambling on about cunnilingus to gay men, they hang up too soon, and vice versa. So, my immediate problem was to determine the sex of this caller.
And again, not for the first time, I heard a distinct sigh so I relaxed into my spiel.
I advertise in Scottish Motor Mart and the Perthshire Advertiser.

It's a far cry from my first steps into the world of adult chat lines.
For example, on Day One I had a very tricky woman. A maths teacher I think.
God, I still cringe. I was so unprofessional.

"Have you a big one?"
"No, dick. I mean dick, a big dick. Have you a big penis? Jesus H!"
"Sorry, sorry, yes it’s huge."
"How big is it?"
"Um, length or, oh, what’s the word?...Girth!"
"Look, it’s fifteen inches long and it’s huge!"
"What’s that in centimetres?"
" er, 75"
"Fuck off!"
"No wait! My mistake, 35! Yes, it’s 35 centimetres long."
"God that IS big."
"Yeah. You better believe it Doll."
"Don’t call me Doll."
"Is it 35 cm long just now? Right at this minute?"
"Oh yeah"
"Well, where is it?"
"What do you mean; ‘where is it?’ It’s right here."
"I mean, is it exposed or still in your trousers?"
"Um, "
"I knew it! It’s not 35 centimetres long at all, is it?"
"Well not right now..."
"No, I thought not."
"I can make it that long if you want me to."
"And just how would you do that? Surgery?"
"Look here, I am an honest businessman trying to scratch a living and I can do without you madam, carping on and on about my genitals, size thereof or not!"
"You sound just like my husband, I want my money back."
"Maroon Leisure SA regrets no refunds are available, terms and conditions apply, check press for details."


Gorilla Bananas said...

You should have asked her to take off her bra and touch her breasts, Dr. Remember Michael Caine and Britt Ekland in Get Carter? Never ask a woman how big her vagina is.

Dr Maroon said...

Thanks G.B. A script in these circumstances is helpful but my clients can sense it. I like to keep it off the cuff. One lady asked if I had been vasectomised; her perscipacity was terrifying.

Dr Maroon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms Scarlet said...

Always best to stick to cake recipes and knitting patterns... and naked calendars.

Pat said...

Scarlet are you too young to remember Fenella Fielding? She could give knitting patterns and cake recipes hidden depths of eroticism.

Eryl Shields said...

Take a plumbing course, that should help you get into character, you really must be able to talk about stop-cocks authoritatively.

On the other hand, as you clearly have an obsession about how one should store coffee cups, why not sell yourself as a butler?

Kim Ayres said...

You should think about the latest trends. With the current popular success of porgrammes such as Strictly Cum Dancing, you could advertise yourself as the Tangoist (it takes 2). You might get a better class of client.

savannah said...

like wanda, it's the voice or to be exact, the accent that finds me fingering the silk...*sigh*

perhaps you might want to consider how you sound when discussing the intricacies of laying pipe, sugar! xoxox

Conan Drumm said...

Ah, so you do central heating and service old boilers in your spare time? There's no doubt but that an engineering degree has many applications.

sarah said...

i'm laughing so hard right now. i'm going to attract unwanted attention.

i see a advert every now and then for Pro-Caulk. i laugh, because i am a child.